A lot of parents don’t keep in mind that the point of “raising” you kids is for THEM to take care of themselves. As a “single” parent (meaning I am divorced and my kids stay with me sometimes and sometimes with their father), I felt this was even more urgent. I can’t always be with my children - but this is true for everyone.

A balance is the best thing you can give your children - on the one hand you do not want them to have “total freedom” because obviously, since kids are still growing, they need to be educated, trained, etc. Things like compassion for others, generosity, self-reliance, discipline, etc. are not always inherent in everyone - they must be taught. So first off of course YOU must be a good role model. If you’re not perfect, that’s ok, but at least be honest - the most destructive thing is for you to be a foul hypocrite or a horribly corrupt person - if after that you start to “preach” to them right and wrong, well, you can see it would not only be ineffective, most likely you’d turn your children’s impressionable hearts against the very things you want for them.

There is nothing better you can give your children in this crazy world than honesty WITH understanding, compassion, wisdom, and guidance. In other words, you should draw out a picture of what is good and bad - what are traits they should cultivate and what are traits they need to rid in themselves. How many parents want a good “education” for their children but neglect CHARACTER and MANNERS, which are probably the MOST important things a human being can have. The Prophet sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam told us he was only sent to perfect the manners. So having limits, guidelines, makes sense of the world for kids - and they will be less bewildered and troubled by the challenges to come inshallah.

On the other hand, you do not want to completely isolate them or “force” them into being “good” - meaning some parents think “well, if my child has no tv, no music, no contact with imperfect people, etc. then they can’t be polluted” - to an extent that is true. You want to make sure that their BASE of family and friends is positive and righteous - but they will one day enter the real world and will undoubtedly face evil or bad habits, etc. and they have to CHOOSE to be good for themselves. That is the goal. So again, a balance of experiences (and remember experience is different than influence - a wise parent can see the differenc) is key.

Another problem area for parents is the perception that the more you “care” about your child, the more you will baby him/her. I remember I was sometimes called a “heartless” mother - because for example, if my child fell down, I would quickly see if it was an emergency (gushing blood etc.) - if it was I would quickly take action, but without screeching - and if it was not, I would slowly offer help. If it was mild, I would let them handle it themselves while watching. The point is, the more you rescue your children - the more dependent on you. You want to be there IF they need your help - obviously neglect is the other extreme, and in fact weakens the child - but quiet support is better. Try to let them work out most of their challenges and problems on their own while you keep a watchful eye, intervening only when necessary.

Nagging is also a huge issue - nagging is constantly trying to get kids to see things your way. For the most part, what is most effective is to educate. Once they know, allow them to think for themselves and hopefully agree with the things you are trying to get them to see. If they have questions, be honest and fair. I think I am more of a mentor to my children than anything else - they know anytime night or day they can ask me about anything. When they trust you, they will come to you on their own for guidance. Furthermore, nagging causes the child to turn a deaf ear to you, to be irritated with you. It drives them away - you want to build a relationship where they come to you willingly.

Consistency is also of obvious importance. Remember, consistency is not constant force to control them - it is simply so that they will build SELF-discipline, so they will be empowered and strong to care for themselves. If you set up a schedule or tasks for them to do, that is only the smallest part - enforcement, consequences for neglect, etc. are where the real action is.

Alhamdulillaah, my kids are fairly self-reliant and they choose Islam. I know they have friends even who refuse to pray, etc. and I was amused to find this “shocked” them. They take care of themselves, can cook, clean, do their homework, etc. I actually give them quite a bit of freedom - and I see it all as testing grounds - what do they choose? Alhamdulillaah they are by in large mindful of Allah, respectful of others, and responsible for themselves.

This summer, I had some goals for my kids - I said to them kids, no matter where you are in life (again, they will spend most of the summer with their dad) you must agree to always do 4 things (you do not want to make your requests of them too often or too much - this loses effectiveness): guard your 5 prayers, take care of yourself (brush your teeth, etc.), take care of your possessions (keep your room/house tidy, etc.), and read quran once a day. I let them go last weekend and this whole week I hadn’t spoken to them.

I was a bit nervous and I thought - nah, they probably forgot - it’s summer, they’re with their dad, they might be traveling, etc. and I resolved when they returned (they get about 2 weeks at my mom’s house) to go over my request again, reminding them a few more times (it’s good to be practical and not too idealistic when dealing with kids - expect some slip-ups and have patience). To my surprise, when I spoke to them today, my daughter said yes, they were doing all I asked. I was so happy! And you know, she said to me, “Mom, why are you so surprised?!” as if why don’t you trust us or think we were capable of it? And I guess she’s right. :)

The first thing you can do for your child as a mother is not underestimate her. Children, like the humans they are, are perfectly able to adapt to most environments. Therefore, it is incumbent for mothers, who are the first and most available instructors for their babies, to realize their incredible potential. Whatever you want for your child, you should begin as soon as conception is achieved.

The first quality you must have as a mother raising a human being in this horribly challenging world is honesty. Obviously, you should currently be what you hope your child will one day be. But let’s face it, most mothers’ love and expectations exceed their own charactars. You want your child to have a better life than you in every way. Thus, although it is prudent to refrain from exhibiting most of your flaws from your child, do not create a false myth about yourself that will only crumble and disillusion them later. Doing so will only create a recipe for rebellion against your hypocrisy and much worse, possibly against everything you stand for. Be a real person. Be human - not too human for God’s sake - do not go to the other extreme of displaying all your weakness. Just human enough to be an effective role model.

Secondly, always tell the truth. Never lie to your children. They are going to live in the ”real” world one day, and they should learn to deal with the realities of life as soon as possible. Many Muslim mothers are extremely ashamed or sketchy when it comes to discussing certain topics, particularly those considered sinful. Many people fear if they even discuss topics with their children they will “get ideas”. The fact is, the best Muslims came from a society of complete ignorance and corruption. They chose to be Muslim - that is what made them strong.

 A woman (who incidentally didn’t have children) was shocked to hear me mention that I frankly answered any questions my children asked me, even ones about sex (my children had not even reached puberty at this point). She thought they would turn out “immodest”. Do not misunderstand me - I am not saying you should swap sex stories with your kids in an effort to bond with them. I am simply saying that if they ask where babies come from, for example, you don’t say it was the stork. Sex was frankly and maturely discussed throughout Islamic history - people did not lie to protect “modesty” (which is not synonymous with “ignorance”). 

I remember being raised with the typical Desi mentality that sex was a “disgusting” and “horrible” thing. Imagine my surprise when I found out everyone, even our elders and the righteous people engaged in it! It blew my mind. Not only that, such a repressive mentality often gets children who hit puberty to simply become ten times more fascinated by something that is merely normal. In today’s world, unless you literally plan to live in a cave, your child will get the information he wants. You do not want your children to be extreme in this matter - neither painfully repressed nor uncontrollably depraved. They should be allowed normal desires but be aware enough of themselves and stronge enough to control them as they choose. They should actually be happy on their wedding day, but they should not be completely incapable of self-control. 

So what I am saying is answer questions in a “scientific” manner, without any dramatizations or associations. Of course, the amount of information you give will be appropriate to their level of understanding. A simple answer to a 3 year old would be “from a father and a mother”. A 7 year old who has studied rudimentary biology and learned that most things come in male and female could understand that when a male and a female mate, it creates offspring. Also of course, you do not have to give an entire lecture on the sexual process if all your child asked was “Did the baby come out of your stomach”? You’d be surprised how cyclical children’s minds can be. Sometimes they are quite satisfied with the short answer and will come back to the topic as they are ready to piece together all their various bits of knowledge of the world.

This honesty thing is crucial for intellectual, emotional, even moral reasons. Children are very instinctive, and they sense unease, discomfort, or evasion - they may not be able to TELL you this - it’s just an unconscious feeling they will get which could resurface later. Therefore, earn your child’s trust now. Your children should know they can ALWAYS ask their mother anything in the universe and she will ALWAYS give them a fair answer, or provide it for them. To do this, though many of us mothers need to come to terms with the truth ourselves. :) After all, we teach our children that lying is a sin as well. In fact, to a Muslim the Truth is the most important thing in life.

So if a child asks why people do drugs, trying to pretend that you have no idea since it’s such an “unpleasant experience” will only cause them resentment when they learn that the reason people do it is simply BECAUSE it is pleasurable. So tell the truth - it is pleasurable, and there are many possible side effects and consequences, not to mention it is forbidden in Islam. You will not be able to follow your child around forever, making sure she makes the “right” choices. You just have to make damn sure you did everything in your ability to make sure she is strong enough to do it herself. 

And finally, do not worry if your child does see some faults in you - you are not God nor a prophet - just their mother. So if they see that you have commited some sin, you should admit to them that you have commited a sin for which you are ashamed, and that you need to repent. They should see the whole process of trying their best to be a good person in this life. If they do not, they may never be able to recover when they themselves fall into the inevitable sin which accompanies humankind. They should see their life as a series of choices, for which they will be responsible.

And by the way, I am happy to say that alhamdulillaah, my children, now a few years older and about to enter into puberty, are quite modest, intellectually aware, and emotionally mature, and have no overly zealous fascinations with anything, except maybe candy and books.