Physical abuse, despite what society often presents to us, is quite common in many marriages. There are many reasons for this - first of all, men and women are different and they have different needs. Not only that, they have different ways of trying to fulfill those needs. Also men by their nature tend to be violent. And although I personally think emotional abuse is worse, this piece will only address the physical.

First of all, it is irritating when people who have never dealt with abuse talk about it - what you’re not supposed to tolerate etc. because they are living in an idealistic world. That’s why their absolute dicta about what level of respect or dignity is mandatory for all times and places is basically religion without the divine inspiration. The fact is, physical abuse comes from a myriad of reasons and requires a myriad of choices to remedy it.

The Man’s Side

From the angle of men, you should understand that most men are simply not that emotionally honest. Not only will they not tell a woman what is bothering them, they may not even understand themselves what is bothering them - they just know they are bothered and want to be left alone. And this is one of the roots of the abuse - obviously the woman is not a mind reader, so is completely unnerved by the fact that the man is all of a sudden or “for no reason” behaving in such a cold or hateful manner. And if she persists in asking what the problem is or why he is behaving this way, then woe is her. By the way, most women nowadays will fight back of course, but come on, it’s no contest.

So I think men should take responsibility for this - if you are not honest when something bothers you, you cannot expect others to understand. And while it’s ok if you don’t want to tell a woman what is bothering you (either because you see this as a weakness when you admit your own weaknesses, or because you just don’t know), then you should have the courtesy to say that you don’t want to be bothered for a while. Many men cannot even summon up this level of politeness, which perhaps they see as too effeminate - but I don’t think it’s effeminate but rather is honest and dignified - and so the cycle begins. The stress, pressure, and other issues men deal with just leads to a volatile situation and violence.

The issue of violence in marriage from Islam is often misunderstood. What you should realize is that Islam is not a personal philosophy, and therefore doesn’t take the side of the woman or the side of the man. It is simply a divine blueprint on how to deal with universal issues, and is therefore balanced. It says in the Quran that if a woman is bothering you, the first thing you should do is enjoin her. In other words, what I’m proposing - that indeed you should be honest that there is a problem. Secondly, if she is still bothering you, you should boycott her in bed. This means you have already admonished your woman, telling her up front what the problem is and she is persistent in bothering you. So you simply stay away from her for a while, and cutting off physical relations is effective not only because the woman feels on a physical level (no hugging and kissing and other things which women tend to interpret as intimacy) how upset you are. And for the men, frankly, many of them think they can “have their cake and eat it too” - they continue sleeping with the woman or using her for sex while being upset with her - and this only leads to more confusion and problems. So the third step is to hit her - again, this is after you have honestly told her that she is behaving badly towards you and you have boycotted her and she persists in bothering you. Unfortunately, sometimes this is actually effective on women, no matter how much the modern world tells you that men and women are the same - the sheer emotional aspect that women have (if men tend to be closed, women tend to be too open sometimes) can lead to “hysteria” (a word which interestingly has roots related to femininity) and words are simply not enough. Not only that, the man is seen as well, “a man” in the sense one might say “be a man”, meaning to be responsible and strong etc. Indeed the man is responsible for his family’s welfare and with this responsibility comes respect.

So is this a license for all out physical abuse? Of course not - some say what is allowed is to hit with a toothstick (a small twig used to clean the teeth), but to be honest, most of the men who hit lol they aren’t carrying toothsticks - more likely a TV remote or worse yet, alcohol. I haven’t thoroughly researched that limit (meaning if it’s absolute or not) but I’m just speaking practically here - a Muslim is not allowed to harm other Muslims, and yes, your wife is still a Muslim. So the ones who are breaking bones and seriously hurting a woman, no doubt this is not allowed. Not only that, the Prophet sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam forbade hitting even animals on the face - for they have dignity too, so how much more your wife. And of course, when the Prophet heard that some of the men were beating their wives, he said that those who did so were not the best of people, neither outlawing it in totality, but also indicating that of course this is barbaric and lowly behavior - one who uses fists doesn’t know how to get the job done through communication. Ultimately the “beating” is to calm someone down and is more instructive than a guy just losing his cool and going on a rampage. After the 3 steps, it says that if the woman is not bothering you, you should desist and seek no means against her. Again, it’s not that you are a rage-a-holic who lets fly and feeds your rage and continues on, but there is a problem which you handle in the right way. So men should take heart - for Islam gives you dignity, but does ask that you are strong and not weak. There is a way for everything, even in establishing your male dominance and your respect in your household, and as long as you stick to those limits, the modern world which castrates and bashes men cannot take away your manhood, nor can you give yourself license to degenerate into an unjust oppressor and become trash.

The Woman’s Side

I remember when I was growing up I’d see a talk show where a woman was sitting there crying about how bad a man was to her and the audience members would either berate the woman, wondering what was wrong with her for being such a victim, or giving her some false ego boosts, saying that she was so great and had to drop that loser, etc. And the woman would always tearfully say, “But I love him!” and I remember how much that would make me groan and roll my eyes. The thing is lol, a lot of us women end up in that “white trash” situation we never thought we’d be in. The thing is, love is having a hope in someone and believing in them. And it’s too good to let go after one incident or even several. We keep that hope - that things will change, things will get better if only we are patient, etc. But mostly we are so love-starved that we simply can’t let go of it. And frankly, only you know how much you can take and what’s worth it or not - no one can tell you this, no matter how much people feel disgusted at the victim - they just don’t know what they’re talking about and are smug and self-righteous (”that could never happen to me!”). Rather, YOU need to decide for yourself what is important to you in life.

For some of you, the guy simply won’t be worth it. This is the “easy” situation (and I know it’s never easy). Just leave - pack up your stuff and go make a better life for yourself. The only thing I’m gonna warn you about is that there may not be another “prince” around the corner waiting to rescue you from your bad relationship. Instead, there may simply be another shark waiting to do the same thing to you. You do have to realize some part of the abuse, of you allowing someone else to treat you a certain way, that part is your fault and what you are responsible for tolerating (but no more than that). So if you go, go for yourself.

If the guy is worth it (or seems that way) then it’s just so much more complicated, isn’t it? As I mentioned earlier, you cannot control other people’s behavior, but you are only responsible for how you act or react. If you allow a guy to hit you, then you have to own up to that. And if you feel the relationship is worth it, you should be realistic to yourself - you should say I let him hit me and for what? Figure out what it is you are getting out of the relationship - is it security, is it the feeling of love, is it sex, is it holding onto someone and trying to own them, etc. If you can pinpoint the actual essential thing, then perhaps you can stop being dependent on it. And you should work to improve yourself and make yourself stronger - remember, it’s about you. You can’t help or take care of anyone else unless you take care of yourself first - and if no one else is doing it, you have to be your own hero. If this process gives you some strength and you can leave, congratulations. Because the odds aren’t good - if there’s a guy who’s used to getting his way all the time, well it’s hard to change that - the very reason why it’s hard for you to leave. At the same time, this type of guy behavior is more common than society tells you - so don’t be surprised if the next guy is pretty much the same or only slightly better. Don’t be deluded and buy in to that horribly fantastic ideal every movie is piping at you - that you’re just so beautiful and special any guy would treat you like a queen and do everything you want every time you bat your eyes. Those guys (or slaves is a more appropriate term for a person that selfless) just don’t exist except in books and films. So the guy you’re with might be not that great, but not that bad either, practically speaking. Yah, “there’s other fish in the sea”, but they stink too.

But mostly I hope you women who experience this problem do not let it destroy you or take it too personally - the guy is just not being honest with you or telling you his frustrations - instead he’s building them up and taking them out on you. That’s the first thing you should know - it’s not your fault (unless you continue pushing him after he tells you he’s upset). So, one thing you can try is to distance yourself emotionally - because anyone can tell you (well, unless you were literally run over by a car or hit with a crowbar etc.) that it’s not the hitting, it’s the fact that someone you love is hurting you so badly - that’s what’s so difficult about the situation. So mental strength is key for you - you need to “get a life”; I’m not saying that harshly because I completely sympathize with a woman who gets so wrapped up in a man that he becomes her whole life and obsession. But there is more to life than love - they tell you “all you need is love” and sure, if you have love, it feels that way. But anyone who has had love not work out knows - that it can’t be about that - not everyone is lucky enough to find that - does that make their life meaningless? No way. I won’t tell you anything as cheesy as “all you need is to love yourself” or quote you that Whitney Houston song (lol I remember that was posted in my 6th grade classroom). But you do need to value yourself as an individual and be at peace with who you are. Actually, you know what, all you need is love, if you’re talking not about people but God - because He’s the only One that actually can rescue you and be there for you. When no one else hears you, He does.

Which leads me to my last point. Running away is a temporary solution. Thinking he’s a monster and you’re an angel is the cheap way. When you will know that you are really strong is when you can see that he’s only a human being with some faults that he can’t change (at least not any time soon), that he was no superhuman hero, and that you are only responsible for yourself. If you can be a good wife and do your duties without letting his problems destroy you, good for you. If you can’t, you don’t have to throw away your afterlife for a man. But maybe with some time, you can look at the problems you have and fix them slowly. This is the strong woman in Islam - not a belligerant male basher, not a superficial or self-indulgent person, nor a weak victim, but a strong and pious woman who does her part and apologizes to no one after God.

Romance is a word that is used a lot, but unfortunately, real romance is almost nonexistent in today’s world. Instead, it has become a way for both men and women to get a “quick fix” - an ego boost for the girl, a “get out of jail free/get sex” card for men. The stereotype is now that a “romantic” guy is a wuss, just kissing up to a woman, whereas a “real” man doesn’t need to do this. However, almost every relationship I see has a guy, even the “toughest”, out there at least making some dumb gestures so his freaking wife/girlfriend will get off his back! I am here to change all that - to show you that a “real” man doesn’t do romance because his woman is pestering him and he just doesn’t know what the hell else to do - a real man does romance because he has power over women, not just physically or sexually, but emotionally, where he is in control of himself and can actually force a reaction he wants out of a woman.

I am a shameless romantic (duh I love art and stuff) and I was apalled to see that it is hard to find one damn article on actual, artistic romance out there - there’s more information on how to make a cup of tea or roll a joint! So I decided I’d write my own. I’m not talking about “99 Tips For Valentine’s Day”. Leave all that commercial crap at the door. I am talking about real romance, you know, like chopping your ear off for a girl. The most useful elements of romance which I will write about in this article are: Attitude, Demeanor, and Romantic Elements. Attitude will cover state of mind, demeanor will give you some clues about how to pull it off, and romantic elements will discuss how to mix your own deadly potion. Please note the examples I give are for instuction only and not intended to replace thought and effort on your part. I don’t want to give you guys fish, I want you to learn how to fish. I hope you all find this useful because I feel very passionately about reviving this lost artform!

I. Attitude

A. Philosophy

Romance first and foremost is a state of mind. Unfortunately “romantic” has become a word nowadays to mostly refer to “how a nice man acts towards a woman”, but that’s not the original meaning. It is an attitude towards life. A romantic is the opposite of a realist, and tends to magnify, exaggerate, aggrandize life, feelings, experiences, religion, art, all of that. It is possible to be romantic in your relationship with your parents, your friends, or your children. It is, to put it in plain words, “to make a big deal” out of something.

In general, you guys need to know that you shouldn’t be romantic because you want to get a girl or because your wife’s mad at you. You should be romantic because it’s fun. I know it doesn’t sound like it’s fun, it rather sounds gay or whatever, but that’s probably because you’re too insecure and unsure of yourself. Trust me, if you can be a true romantic, you will feel more like a man, a man who can bring a woman to her knees (keeping her there doesn’t require romance, though, that requires a spine). I’m not saying you should be romantic in all your life and everything you do, that in your spare time you should be going to the opera, but I just mean with women.

So, romance is basically an enjoyment of women. Not just their bodies, but their natures. Let me put this in terms you might understand - food. If you love food, sure you can just chow down - and that’s what a lot of men do with women, but that’s just sexual hunger and not romance. You know those metrosexuals and how they’re always swishing wine and nibbling cheese? It’s sort of like that. Or if that analogy doesn’t appeal to your manhood, it’s like the sports enthusiast obsessing about statistics, players’ merits, etc. versus just showing up for games. So with romance, you take your time, and enjoy everything - that’s a big part of it. Romance brings out the full beauty and delight of your subject.

B. Confidence

Now that you sort of understand how to approach this subject and see that you should want to enjoy your woman, you should get some basic qualities that foster romance. The first is confidence. (By the way, there are exceptions to all these rules, but I am writing this for generally reproducible positive results.) This should come more naturally to you if you understand the mindset I mentioned above - after all, if you’re doing this for yourself, it will come off a lot better than if you’re trying to “impress her” (which I don’t recommend). Do not confuse confidence with machismo or dominance. Yelling at a woman that you want to have dinner with her might be charming the first time, but after that it will just be pushy. So confidence is basically a calm, take-it-or-leave-it attitude. Whatever romantic gesture you’re making, make SURE you do not care if she likes it or not! That’s the irony. If you do, it will come off weak and lose its effect.

For example, say you buy a girl flowers and you’re all nervous and “i hope you like them”, it’s “sweet” but not going to sweep her off her feet. You’ll just be out ten bucks and feel mystified at why she doesn’t think you’re all that. So, make sure YOU are in charge of your own romance. If you give a girl flowers, just give them to her and there’s no need to say anything because you should be doing this if YOU want her to have the flowers. If you do, it’s done. If you don’t, I don’t recommend you waste your money. Don’t thrust them at her, but just confidently give them to her as you would give her a glass of water. She’ll either love them or not - but guess what - you don’t care - you just wanted to give this girl you like some flowers! Even silence, if confident, is more effective than words which are not.

C. Emotion

This is the general crux of romance. To be romantic is to be carried away with feeling. Most of you guys, however, will probably find it very hard to express your feelings directly. So what’s great about romance is it’s a way to EXPRESS those feelings, without even saying a word. Words, of course, can be very nice, especially if you are open, specific, or creative. But it can be done in many ways - words, writing, gifts, activities, etc. Some subtopics I have chosen to focus on to help make this area of emotions, which is baffling to most men, more understandable, are: Expression, Honesty, and Details.

i. Expression

The first step is to get in touch with your POSITIVE feelings and express them. Most guys are quite specific when they’re mad at their wives/girlfriends. They can very easily point out the woman’s flaws, pinpoint with exact detail how she is annoying and what is driving them crazy, and are often “artistic” and “passionate” in their delivery (yelling, saying things with utter conviction and force). Yet when it comes to positive things, it’s much harder. So the first step is just when you feel/think something positive about your wife, let it out. Unfortunately, too many guys express negative feelings but keep positive ones bottled up inside.

This part is more of a general exercise and doesn’t have to be wildly romantic - if you admire your woman’s intelligence on getting good marks in a course, congratulate her. If your wife is a great mother, mention that. This is just to get you in the habit of expressing good feelings as they come and you can start with more “neutral”, visible things before you jump into “how you feel about her”. As you progress, you should know it is absolutely essential for you to tell your wife good things and not assume “she must know”. If you feel your wife has done so much for you and you’re grateful for that, do something which would convey that to her.

Here are some common forms of expression - use them; if you can’t do one, do another, but just do it!

1. Speech
2. Writing
3. Gifts
4. Activities
5. Sacrifice, etc.

ii. Honesty

The best way to express yourself is honesty. Don’t say “You’re the most beautiful woman in the world” if you don’t think your wife is. The reason I say this is because men SUCK at lying. Women are very subtle, and if you say something untrue, you’ll pay for it later: cross-examination, injunctions to “prove” your veracity, the whole works. So be honest and save yourself some confusion. The adage “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all” is a good one. There is always something nice and truthful you can say to your wife. Saying “You are one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen” or “You are so beautiful to me” is good if you’re not married to a supermodel. Please remember, if a woman asks you something like “Am I fat?”, she’s just looking for reassurance so just say “I think you look great/fine” or “Well, I liked it when you were thinner - you were hot! I wish you were like that again/I miss those days” is a way of focusing on what is POSITIVE while being honest. Bottom line is if you use this combination of positive honesty, you will give her the security of knowing you always love her while encouraging her to be active and improve herself. Believe me, if she did get in shape and you didn’t appreciate it, she’d be mad - like what was the point of all the hard work? If you keep being honest, she will trust your compliments because they’ll always be true. She’ll know if you say, “Damn, you look good” that you mean it, and she will be more pleased with your comments than if she suspects you just put her on a lot.

iii. Details

So, first of all, make sure to express yourself - secondly, be positive but honest, and thirdly - be specific. Saying “You look nice” is good. “Your hair looks great” is better. “I love the color of your hair” is even better. When you’re specific, you show her that you notice her, that she is special enough to look at up close, and your positive honesty is more and more believable. With details, she’ll have to believe you.

II. Demeanor

A. Eye Contact

Next, eye contact. Most guys again, are in this mindset that they HATE romance, that they HAVE to do it to like “cater” to some woman, and spend their time and money doing stuff it’s clear they don’t care to do! Instead, do it because you want to, so you can enjoy making someone you love happy, and with your own style and confidence. Having said that, to use the flower example - many guys sort of hand this girl flowers, make a lame comment, and don’t dare to look up. This is completely dismissable to a girl. No, you’re this man, and you want this woman to wilt in front of you, so give her the flowers just because you like her, and when you hand them to her, just look her straight in the eye WITHOUT waiting to see IF she’s happy or not. Smile if you want. If you can meet her gaze, you’ve probably just melted her heart or at least flattered the hell out of her.

B. Focus

Remember that romance is about you and her. So, the more of “yourself” you are in your expressions, the more genuine and more valuable it is. You might think “she wants me to turn into some Romeo” but that’s not true. She wants you, only better. So use what makes you unique in your expressions to her. If you are an accountant, you might not think of something to do with your job, but you could use the fact that you’re meticulous to construct something she’ll love. If you’re a photographer, take a great picture of her and keep it with you or put it somewhere you can both enjoy it.

Also keeping in mind that it’s about her, anything you do having to do with her will be superior. Including her in the romantic gesture will only improve it. It’s like you’re celebrating how great she is or paying her tribute. If you write her a note, don’t throw it at her or give it to her mumbling something under your breath. Place it somewhere she is bound to see it and know it is “hers” - her pillow or in a book she is reading. Don’t put it on the fridge where the kids can get it - remember, you are doing this is FOR HER. She’ll feel special this way. In the end, you just want her to feel that you are focusing on her for a while.

III. Romantic Elements

There are many different types of romance with subtle variations of feeling. A master of romance would know which elements to combine to get the exact reaction he wants from the woman. The following are some of the core elements of romance.

A. Creativity

Creativity is a way to achieve wild, storybook style romance. Remember, you are enjoying this girl, but also putting her under your spell and sort of creating this magical world which enchants her. Instead of picking flowers and handing them to her, pick them, weave them into a bracelet, and tie them around her arm. The more elements of imagination you add, the more enjoyable and fantastic the experience.

B. Elegance

Elegance tends to make a woman feel “like a woman” and casts you as a sort of manly, powerful person. Elegance adds the dimension of making her feel special or prized (appreciated). Yes, money often helps with this, but if you don’t have much, demeanor can overcome that. Taking care to look nice and having very refined manners will make a man elegant. Instead of saying, “you wanna grab some lunch” you should actually make a formal invitation to her to go to dinner with you this weekend. Be a little more formal instead of casual, and don’t forget the confidence!

C. Surprise

Surprise is a way to achieve a sort of excited, friendly feeling and it’s easy if you avoid what is “obvious” (it wouldn’t be a surprise, then, would it?). Surprise is probably one of the EASIEST ways for a guy to spice things up with a girl or just make her happy. Show up someplace she doesn’t expect you is one of the best because she feels flattered that you went out of your way to see her.

* A Warning About Gifts and Cliches

Let’s face it - most guys don’t know what else to do, so just buy off the girl and figure she’ll be so happy, they’ll never have problems again. Not true - remember the saying “it’s the thought that counts”? Your job is to make sure that more than the gift, the THOUGHT is expressed. Since guys resort so much to spending money on a woman, they are often confused when the woman shows no register of this as a “romantic” thing. For many women, if you buy them stuff, it will simply be a “nice” thing, whereby they got something cool. The irony is that by trying to AVOID feelings, many guys resort to buying tricks where it’s almost always HARDER for a woman to see that it’s about the feelings, not the stuff! It’s like adding an extra layer of complication and they end up wasting time and money. So how do you make sure you get “credit” for your gifts?

The fact is, if romantically done, a candy bar can be more effective at deeply affecting a woman than a diamond ring without the romantic attitude. If you give her something (and I personally believe buying something is usually the more amateur way), it should represent those feelings or show her that you know something about her and admire her for it. If you know your wife loves nature, give her a bunch of natural flowers. Again, it should be clear it’s not “just a bunch a flowers”, but something meaningful, so instead of cheesy lines like “sweets for the sweet” and other cliches like “you’re as perty as these flowers!”, you can simply tell her “I know you love nature, so I wanted to bring you a piece of it”. But it’s all in the attitude - the cheesy line will work better than an original one if done right. If you know she’s nuts about cars, buy her one - or a model of one. But again, you can spend a million bucks and buy her a real car and it’ll almost all go down the drain (ok, initially she’ll be freaked and jump up and down and give you a hug maybe and perhaps a few days of gratitude) if your attitude is like “I bought you a car, now what will you give me?” Your gifts should be selfless and expressive.

* Warning About Shy/Insecure Girls

Just be warned that even though your lady may WANT romance, when you try to give it to her, she may become embarassed. You see, some girls, even if they crave it, when the moment arrives, don’t know how to handle it. They might be really insecure or lack the confidence to look right back at you, smile, and accept this nice thing. Instead, she might sort of look away or pass off what you just did as “not a big deal” and pretend you just did something casual instead of amazing. Yes, girls play the casual card to hide their feelings too! So if that happens, you MUST grab hold of her face and make her look at you - just say again, “I love you” - push it onto her, make yourself undeniable. You can let her go after a second, but at least she didn’t get away with pushing you off and minimizing your deeds.

Farethewell

Well, that’s my basic attempt to try and put into words what this complicated subject is, to give you some insight into it. The irony is most guys who are “romantic” don’t need a tutorial and the ones that do are probably in a relationship where the “romance” can be superficial imitation. I just felt bad for anyone who really wanted to look at this for real. I mean, I could sit and give lots of “tips”, but there are plenty of mediocre sites out there to do that. The trouble with those is they never address where romance springs from, and only give empty actions for people to mimic, thereby resulting in manufactured, Hallmark-made-for-television style imitations of romance or frustrate guys who try them and think “what the hell happened?”. Once you sort of grasp the intentions and essentials of romance, it’s up to you to do it once in a while in YOUR OWN WAY. Remember, romance is a wonderful part of life and worth taking time out for once in a while (sorry guys, once in a lifetime is not enough lol). Embrace it and enjoy!

Virginia Woolf said that it is necessary for a woman to have a room of her own in order to write (or something remarkably similar). I completely agree. Women tend to be the clingy ones and husbands tend to leave and want personal space or alone time. But every woman should save a bit of her true, independent self for herself and should have a room (or at least a view) of her own.

I do realize that I am one of the fortunate ones who was granted the blessing of love. But I can honestly say it has been one of the hardest trials in my life. Before love, I had very little material desire. I wasn’t into clothes or looks or anything like that. I believed in having very little attachment to the world and would routinely give away or throw out any connection to the past. After I met my husband, I really surprised myself by getting extremely sentimental about him and holding onto him in whatever way I could.

And I fell so deep in love, I really felt like I lost myself. I became a junkie always looking to get high and caring about nothing else. I felt distant from everyone else, including Allah. And this level of attachment made the times of turmoil and conflict excruciatingly painful. I have always been “suicidal” in the sense that I felt like dying or thought about it, but I had never actually tried it until I experienced love and the extremities of intense emotion that accompany it. In fact, up until I got married, I had gotten to a place where I was self-reliant and was perfectly fine with myself. I mean, I wasn’t much, but I was fine with that and whatever shortcomings I had which made me who I was. After marriage, my flaws seemed magnified to myself and I cared so much what my loved one thought of me. I was shocked to find I could actually be insecure, or even self-conscious! Me, who had always been heedless of the opinions of society!

Anyway, I did not choose to spend a second away from my husband, but life forced us to spend time away, little by little: minutes, hours, days, weeks. And now, I have been away from my husband for about two months, the longest we have been apart, and it turns out that instead of the dread and fear I initially felt at the thought of the separation, I feel grateful. I have started to remember how I was when I was single and independent, and the best thing is I feel that whatever barrier of worldy desire had been between me and Allah has been removed. It’s like, despite my will, my fingers have been pried open and I have been forced to let go of what I was holding onto so tightly.

Often throughout my life I felt sort of cursed, that I could not really get along with people - family, peers, etc. and was alone and friendless. But I also felt (perhaps delusionally so) that maybe I was only meant to be with Allah. After I found love, I marvelled that what seemed so perfect was actually so tainted because not only did it have very painful associations (along with any redeeming bliss), it was the biggest temptation and trial for me spiritually. I basically got what I wanted, and you know what they say about that.

Once in a while, in a fit of spiritual passion, I would say, “Let’s just get divorced, right now and never look back.” We both knew we’d probably be better off apart. But I suppose it’s one of those things where it’s easy to withdraw from the world and be pure but difficult to stay in it and keep struggling.

And now, it’s almost time for me to go back and I am scared - scared of entering the prison of marriage again and being tied up emotionally, scared of having my connection with Allah distracted and distored again. And a part of me wonders, despite the fact that I love my husband more than anything in this world, what would happen if we just didn’t meet up again until the Hereafter?

So I would encourage every woman to leave her husband for a bit if she has the chance (and psychologically, leaving is a completely different experience than being left behind). If you cannot physically leave, at least make a place for yourself. Get a room, or at least a view.

Words like violence
Break the silence
Come crashing in
Into my little world
Painful to me
Pierce right through me
Cant you understand
Oh my little girl

All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm

Vows are spoken
To be broken
Feelings are intense
Words are trivial
Pleasures remain
So does the pain
Words are meaningless
And forgettable

All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm

Enjoy the silence

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“Girls talk too much” - Peter Pan

We all know it - we women love talking. This can be very charming actually - sometimes you’ll chirp along like a little child. Many times, however, it can get us into trouble.

Aside from the obvious pitfalls of talking too much - gossip, wasting of time, empty-headedness - in a marriage, often speaking messes things up. For example, as women we tend to just sort of comment on everything or mother the situation “oh, we need to do such and such” or “watch out for that”. We call it caring. Guys call this nagging.

On top of it, we tread dangerous waters when it comes to speaking about our relationships. Most guys really can’t articulate how they feel, or if they do, it comes out dumb or just plain hurtful. So save yourself some pain - just don’t delve into too many issues on how a guy “feels” - you might not like what you hear. Sure, it’s the “truth” but many of us can’t handle it. So why go there. It’s usually an unnecessary misunderstanding anyway.

Say you have a guy and a girl sitting there. The girl says “What are you thinking about” and the possibilities are beautiful - how much he loves her, how beautiful she is, how he’d give anything to be with her. What he says is, “work” or something worse. So what’s the point - I mean if he tells you how he feels, great. But until then, don’t hold your breath.

A self-respecting woman will be quiet a lot of the time. Get a life of your own, don’t nag, don’t speak if not necessary. You know what will happen? The guy will have a lot more respect for you, and even interest. Speaking too much causes you to lose your upper hand (in charm and stuff). So try it sometime - let your eyes, your body speak.

And keep your mouth shut. : )