sometimes the only reason you actually invite an addiction into your life is that your life feels very unreal; you wake up everyday thinking, “wow, i’m still here”, and having a very strong sense of unreality in your waking life; so addictions are like physical anchors to reality; you use them as tangible landmarks to get through the day; you say “only one more hour until i can do x”, even if x is not necessarily very appealing; it’s just something to DO; it’s not even a real “addiction” (you can only pray for one of these, to be honest, something you actually like enough, which makes life feel worth living or something you get peace or satisfaction from); but it’s just a psedo-psychological ploy around which to “live”, something to map out your “day” with, a way to keep busy, a way to keep from thinking…i think anyone plagued with mental problems can find some relief in doing actually anything physical, whether it’s exercising, having sex, having a tantrum, etc. - just an out-of-body experience to force you to feel a duality: that you are physically there and that your self is not

it’s interesting how some things which people think of as “punishment” aren’t punishing at all; i love learning (about anything really) and i think i would’ve loved school had it not had anything to do with socialising; you know how kids are always happy when the teacher gives them a few minutes of “free time” to chat with friends, etc.? well, lol, i HATED that - i was like let’s get back to studying! i’d spend so many lunch periods crying in a bathroom stall; obviously i wanted friends, but something was wrong with me; and when i finally embraced my isolation, i actually had fun; so i started sneaking off campus everyday to go to the woods and i loved that - it was like an escape from school and people, where i could just relax and be myself; man, i had some of my most memorable, magical moments there - in a weird irony, once i stopped giving a damn, people even started to like me, but it was too late by then; i actually PREFERRED being alone; one of the funnest times i ever had in school lol was being suspended (in-school-suspension); it was soooo cool - you got to sit all by yourself facing a wall, completely isolated; no one bothered you, they gave you your work, which you finished on your own, ate your lunch, daydreamed, and at the end of the day, you’d have no homework because you didnt have to wait for your teachers to “explain” it to you or deal with other kids asking questions, etc. i wished school could always be like that - this reminds me also of how, going the other way, punishment which might seem like nothing to someone else could severely bother you; i was routinely grounded from reading, sometimes having my library books returned or my favorite books thrown away; i guess that’s the point of punishment - find what is precious to a person and take it away, then it really hurts…

oh my goodness, i keep thinking “nothing will ever shock me again” (nothing’s shocking lol) but well, i guess humans have this way (ugh, everyone is bugging the hell out of me these days; why do i attract emotionally disturbed people - i like READING about them, lol, not dealing with them; i mean i know i am one too, but i dont bother other people with it!)…the boogeyman is the worst - i see why kids are afraid of him now, and i think he’s the only one i’m actually afraid of…maybe because in the past we just saw these people as demons or devils, and in modern times we see interviews with them and “get to know them”, so their monstrosity is subdued; yet, while most of these people i’d even enjoy having a conversation with, the boogeyman truly frightens me (and i don’t scare that easily; when we were young lol i’d be the first to investigate a strange noise in the middle of the night - i guess it was always kinda fun to take risks etc.) - everyone else has paled in comparison; i can understand almost anyone else (no matter how shocking it was on the surface, i could finally come to understand the “causes”, rationales, or mechanisms which served some purpose to them); but the boogeyman is actually a beautiful, dignified old man (man, i miss my grandfather); i mean he’s BEAUTIFUL but he puts any goth punk wannabe (some people actually admire like that german guy for instance and stuff) or “deviant” to shame - he is by far the most non-human human i’ve seen; i dont just mean what he did, but the very way his body and mind worked (what little of it we knew); even up until death he was “triumphant” and seemed impervious to human authority, laws, or subjugation of any sort…god i really hope the boogeyman doesn’t get me…

man, i forgot what it was like to be “me”; i used to live a very magical and fun life (to myself, not to anyone else lol); and what’s cool is i thought i never could again, but it’s all coming back to me now…for the first time in like years i feel excited and stimulated again…what a relief…i can’t sit still anymore…

i dunno if it was reading all that disturbing stuff, but omg i was brushing my hair the other day and like there was this PATCH of gray/white hairs, all in one place, all of a sudden! lol i remember the first white hairs i got were when i was pregnant and my mother-in-law had come to “help” me; i had heard about people getting so frightened their hair tuns white or something, but i didnt realize that could really happen (plus i wasnt ever frightened, just shocked - and i thought nothing could ever really shock me anymore and well, i was disturbed - the worst thing i read and couldnt get out of my mind the other day was this german guy who posted on the internet that he wanted a male in his 20s or 30s with a good build to be consumed and eaten; ok that’s already sick, but there was a *er that actually answered, damn him! and there’s more disgusting details but it made me want to curse all humans like wtf is going on in this world; i dont get it); i mean i’ve buzzed off all my hair, dyed it bright red, but the white hair reminds me of holden caulfield and how he says he actually has a lot of white hairs; i found the whole thing so shocking and funny lol, how your body can be so affected by your mind; i think it’s from anxiety; anyhow, for some reason, i’ve always been pretty experimental about my body, though - i remember i was talking to this guy in high school and he was like why dont you wear makeup (when he heard i sometimes would rituallistically or artistically use makeup in private) and i was like its not worth it in “real life” to impress idiots; i saw it as an artistic expression, though; i remember i once cut off my eyelashes, not for any reason other than there were a pair of scissors there; and my sister lol was like what the hell, fatima, girls are dying to do anything to grow their eyelashes LONGER; they grew back, though, ha ha so no “worries” (i dunno why i find everything so funny these days)…hell, even that disturbing stuff, i was chuckling about it all weekend, not because it wasn’t sinful or sadistic or wrong, just because i guess the world seems so f*ed up right now, the only thing you can really do is laugh (”when you laugh, they can’t kill ya” - sadness, by porno for pyros)…

for some reason, i’ve always been attracted to weird/dark/disturbing stuff - to be honest, i even thought this was pretty normal, actually, since come on, american teens are into that a lot - but i’ve been reading some stuff and talking to some people, and well, it’s not as common as i thought lol - i remember in junior high being fascinated with the occult and me and another girl looked some stuff up on withchraft or something - i think with all the paranoia about satansim and stuff, our teacher freaked out and reported us the school counselor lol - anyway, another topic of fascination was serial killers, which i read about profusely as a teenager; lol i have been “out of the scene” for a while and hadn’t thought about it or read about it for some time - i had heard the more recent famous names, of course, but hadn’t read about them (mostly i had read about charles manson, jack the ripper, lizzy borden, etc.) and in general biographies of anyone (hell, even biographies of scientists and mathematicians, not to mention writers and artists) fascinate me; i remember i had this children’s almanac when i was a kid and reading the biographies (anne frank, john dillinger, etc.) over and over until my parents actually threw it away lol - and funny thing is i guess personality is what fascinates me above all else - i never thought about it all (the connection with all these things) until now i suppose; you know how they say truth is stranger than fiction, well, you dont always believe it what with movies that seem to have a lot of shock value and stuff (contrarily, i am drawn to the morbid, but i cant stand gore) but oh my goodness, i recently read about ed gein, and the stuff they put in movies (many books and movies were based on his case) were totally toned down compared to what he really did; i also found it interesting the “types” they have - and the abusive backgrounds are also unbelievable - you keep thinking - how was someone allowed to be raised like that??? some personalities are very cold, calculating, and self-centered, whereas others are more primally driven, etc. ted bundy seems to be an arrogant devil, period (i mean, what happened to him in his youth was horrible, of course) - the epitome of cold evil, really; john wayne gacy was actually less scary than what i had in mind when i heard of him; david berkowitz i can almost feel sorry for; i guess my current “favorite” is jeffrey dahmer - he’s the scariest, though, not only due to the nature of what he did, but the fact that really, his background was actually the most normal! ok so his parents got divorced and he moved, but huh? his father, who is still extremely vocal and seems like the most intelligent, centered, faithful, supportive, compassionate father ever, and who until the end would sit by his son’s side and talk about everything so calmly, seems amazing and i just can’t find what would do it; jeffrey himself was also very intelligent, and actually one of the most honest ones i’ve seen, talking about what he did and why; he was also remorseful and seemed compassionate to his victims (after being stopped), even seemed to be desperately trying not to have the crazy impulses he did (he soused himself with alcohol most of the time, calling it his “medicine”), and even took an interest in religion in the end (yes, i know others do these cliche things too, but it’s still better to me than people like bundy, who till the end, deny they even did anything or simply say what’s one less person in this world); but bundy was scary in another way because the sucker actually studied psychology and law, man; he escaped twice and killed lol (not lol ha ha, but can you believe this guy’s drive); anyway, i re-discovered this topic a few days ago and have been compulsively reading/watching documentaries on it the whole weekend; i didn’t exactly have nightmares, but i went to bed sick last night with a raging headache from eyestrain from a damned computer screen (i hate reading on computers!!!); and i guess i just feel sad about human nature and how actually in the end, you can even relate to these people (not condone them); i mean i remember in my teens watching a doc about how some BABIES in infancy show signs of a lack of response to humans; ted bundy at the age of 3 put knives around his aunt/niece? and jeffrey was the most curious of children; it scares me how the wiring and the events (and most of their lives were horrific before they began killing) are all set up for it, really; the world is so sad, actually; it scares me about the people i know and about myself…

man, i forgot how much i used to hate everyone - you see, i have lightened up over the years and was almost a normal human being

then some stuff happened to me and i am just so disgusted by people right now - liars, cheaters, backstabbers, betrayers, etc. etc. etc.

i basically  have little faith in humanity right now

yes, i am very bitter but i guess if you went through what i just did you would feel the same

its crazy, but i am back in school right now - and dont get me wrong, the people there, may allah reward them for giving me the opportunity to study there, but man, its like i am so depressed and stumbling through life right now, i just somehow ended up with an offer to work and study there and i didnt even really want it - it just sort of happened (i am still grateful, i just wasnt looking for it)

i really dont know how this stuff happens to me

and its funny, i feel again like im in high school and i feel my old self again - i dont really talk to anyone and find any way to sit alone and not hear the chattering of so many people

and i just dont really care about anything anymore - and sorry i just hate and am disgusted by people right now

dont take it the wrong way, i still have a lot of compassion for all human beings - and in a way i love everyone (in that sense, and the fact that i have no actual personal hatred of anyone) but god i just hate everyone (humanity) right now

i have never really fit in anywhere and it seems i never will (partly from other people rejecting me but also because i just hate everyone so much) - im 15 again…

you know, a rat gets shocked a few times and knows not to go back…

I think that I am still a baby - emotionally that is. I mean I look like an adult and I have the brain of an adult, but emotionally, it’s like I never got past childhood. I mean, I even sleep like a baby - in the fetal position or with my arms up over my head. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, actually. I always had a very free nature and I never really went by the norms of society. Plus I grew up very isolated. Not only were my parents ultra strict (which I know they were just looking out for me) but also I was so weird I just could never make any friends.

I remember I loved learning - in fact, school would be a dream if it wasn’t for the social factor. I mean, I’m the kind that actually enjoyed my defensive driving course (when I got a ticket)! But in school, I dreaded lunch, where you would have to sit with friends, group projects, even free time because the teachers assumed you would want to get with your friends. If you didn’t have friends or know how to relate to normal humans, then it was difficult. I remember once I got ISS (In school suspension) and it was like the funnest thing in the world - you sat all isolated, didn’t have to hear boring lectures or deal with classmates, did your work, and went home with no homework! I wondered why all of school couldn’t be like that. ISS was no punishment, for me!

I spent most of my days in the girls’ bathroom, crying in a stall during lunch time. Finally, I got tired of being such a coward and I just said to myself, “You know what - you are alone.” After I accepted myself for who I was, I actually enjoyed being alone. I used to go under the bridge to these woods by a bayou, and I would take off my hijab, read, sing, pray, eat my lunch, and take in the beauty around me. I looked forward to lunch as my haven away from school. Most of my youth was spent alone with books, music, movies, and other things which made up the world I lived in - located in my head. The characters, authors, and artists, both living and dead, were my “friends”. In fact, I felt so comfortable with myself, I guess people noticed and some even asked me to sit with them (something I would have killed for earlier), but by then I preferred being alone!

I suppose by adulthood. no one could really top the amazing people in my head. I pretty much preferred being alone and found most people boring. But more than that, something I didn’t realize at the time - I was very withdrawn as a person. I mean for me socializing is surreal. Sometimes it is purely Islamic for me - I smile and say salaam to like every sister. I also believing in keeping the ties of family, relations, and community. I also am hypersensitive about including everyone, especially people I perceive as left out. Sometimes this fools people into thinking I am very social. From another angle, I can be very very open about my own feelings and emotions, but again, what most people don’t realize is it is quite “impersonal” on my behalf - it’s more like self-expression or art to share a life experience with all of humanity or something.

Yet in adulthood I continue to have some oddities. When I got married the first time, in an arrangement, I remember I couldn’t be open with my husband - to the point that I could never look him in the eye. I mean he was a nice person, but I never felt comfortable enough with him to let my guard down I suppose. In general, I also can’t stand touching people. I sort of wince when I have to hug sisters, but it’s like taking a deep breath and plunging in - and it’s over soon. Once in a while I’ve been in a situation some sister will lovingly hold my hand and be childish with me, holding it for a while or something. And I try, I really do try to enjoy it, but it makes my skin crawl. If someone starts talking to me real personal, I tend to back up and start crossing my arms in that old defensive posture. Lol, I once had a marriage counselor (for my first marriage) look pointedly at me and say in her calm, maternal voice, “You don’t like being touched, do you?” It sort of shocked me that she could see that lol!

Anyway, what’s odd about all this is that somehow even though I am childish in nature, I tend to be bigger than everyone around me. What do I mean? I don’t mean I am older or have more knowledge or authority or position. It’s just many times people look up to me or they actually act more childish than me - I hate to say it, but I am tired of being bigger than everyone around me! I wouldn’t mind, but I don’t have anyone who I can talk to - not anyone I trust to lay down my troubles or cry on their shoulder. A sister once told me, when she heard about my marriage (the first one) that I was more independent than anyone she had met, who was married, and she said she thought perhaps I wasn’t meant to be close with anyone, that I was to be close with Allah. I do think about that sometimes, but I know I’m not a saint, so I am afraid to assume things or build myself up as righteous or something. I don’t know - life is so strange.

And what’s weird is I feel like I’m “institutionalized” - like I’m so used to being alone, I actually feel weird if I’m in a social gathering. I remember as a teenager I once went to the mall with some girls - and I was sort of excited like “this is what a normal teenager does!” but when I got there, it’s like I felt like running home and burying my head in my mom’s lap or something - it was so strange - I actually told the girls I would meet them somewhere just so I could wander around by myself. And until now when I walk, I walk all slumped and not making eye contact. It’s just a habit after all these years.

In the mean time, I sometimes get people who want my help - I guess I am so open about my feelings, they feel they can trust me. I am very sensitive, so I do have a lot of compassion - I really feel for people and I want to help them if I can, even if I’m a nut. This one brother spilled his guts to me (my husband was copied of course) and he even like insulted me a lot in the process - because that’s how it is when you’re sick in the head - you tend to be insecure, etc. but I stayed calm and helped him get past all that. But now I have no idea how he’s doing - he just stopped communication. Inshallah he’s ok, but I worry. The thing is, there is no one in my life I can be weak around, not at all. The one person in life I have actually after all these years opened up to completely berates and torments me if I show signs of insecurity or weakness. So I guess I don’t know what to do. I know if I was a better Muslim I would indeed have a relationship with Allah which would be enough - and I try to but it’s hard and I feel so weak sometimes. Also, I don’t know what it is about human beings - why the hell do we even feel “lonely” or feel the need for human companionship? It’s so strange. Either way, I have always felt alone and I guess after all these years I still am.

For some reason, when I was growing up, no one really saw me as a very “girly” girl. I’ve always been childish, but not very feminine. For some reason, I remember people saying I can be “intimidating”, which I didn’t see at all - as I am quite open-hearted towards everyone. But I do remember growing up, when I saw very “feminine” girls they would either be very docile, shy, or quiet (in a sort of mousy way) or be one of those preening, vain, fashion-and-popularity “social butterflies” obsessed with hair, makeup, and clothing. And I didn’t really like that and didn’t want to be that. So when I was a teenager I guess I would kind of deliberately try to be “gender-neutral” in my mannerisms. It would make me cringe if I felt I was walking or sitting “like a girl” because I’d get that image of one of the shallow girls around me. It’s not that I wanted to be a guy - I just didn’t want to be too obviously a girl. Being too girly meant not being taken seriously, having people look at your chest while you talk, etc. I wanted independence and power, and that was the best solution I could come up with - to dress, talk, and act in a way that would not focus on my gender.

A consequence of this is that most guys (and girls) saw me as “one of the guys”. I mean, guys would talk to me in my classes as if I was a guy. They would tell me about girls, etc. One guy, after telling me some stuff, said, “Oh my god, I’m sorry, I hope I didn’t sound like a pig etc.” You see, he had forgotten he was talking to a girl! Now this was something that went very deep, because I remember before I wore hijaab, one day I was at the mall and I was dressed in tight clothing and my hair was out - and this guy walked over and tried to hit on me. He was one of those gross guys with his shirt half unbuttoned, about 19, making the rounds obviously. And when he came to me with his lecherous little “what’s up” I merely looked at him and said, “Yes?” The fact is, the way I looked on the OUTSIDE seemed one way, but my deameanor was I suppose like Wednesday (or is it Tuesday, I forget) Adams - so incredibly serious. So immediately you could see he was disconcerted, for he did not receive his standard giggle in response to his question, and he slowly showed himself out (of my presence; also he was a bit surprised when he found out I was 12).

Also, when I started wearing hijab and then jilbaab (I was 16 then), people actually thought I looked like a “nun”, which I guess I did in comparison to what everyone around me wore. So you’d think a nun would be quite a feminine character. Yet, even then, something about my mannerism made people not see me that way. Every day I would trudge out to go to the woods behind our school and the headbangers (lol which I was one myself if it only meant listening to heavy metal) would offer me a cigarette and everyday I would politely decline (it became a sort of running joke between us). One time in my aerospace/aviation class (ground school, which was an elective) they had some assembly where half the class of one grade had to leave and the teacher left as well. As the class was mostly boys, I was left alone with a bunch of them, reading and minding my own business. Again, the guys let loose on talk of their girlfriends and everything (lol I think if the average girl, who is often shielded from such talk heard what guys really think of them and how they talk about them, they might not go out with them). And again, after their little bull session they look at me and start getting quiet and uncomfortable and apologize to the “nun”. I shrugged my shoulders and said I didn’t care - I wasn’t their girlfriend (thank god)!

Not only that, if I did have a temporary “friend” in high school, it would be a guy, someone who shared math or political science class with me, etc. and lol you may not believe it, but these were “platonic”. We would talk about the most fascinating (boring to anyone else) academic subjects. And I had no idea HOW to flirt - I simply did not have the capacity (I guess I would consider it “fakeness”, which I despise). I remember some girls teasing me about a guy once and I was so shocked because it never occurred to me the whole guy/girl angle! And it turns out if a guy did “like” me, I cannot even recall - my sister would say “Don’t you remember that guy that would talk to you in Driver’s Ed, etc.” and I would say “Who?” and usually I am quite good at remembering people. I feel somehow I was protected from a lot of fitnah and I’m grateful for that, but at the same time I feel a little freakish.

And you know what, I feel that Islam has freed me. I no longer care about being “feminine” or not - I can relax and just be natural, nor do I see femininity as something necessarily shameful or degrading either. And yet, all these years later, when I have managed to relax and allow myself to be natural, and have even learned how to “lighten up” (you don’t know how many times I got told to do that all my life!) and even learned how to crack a smile, people still see me that way! And I mean Muslim guys, even religious ones (I don’t normally hang out with non-Muslims). One guy who is actually quite strict and religious and is a family friend I remember made some joke to Sas about good looking women or something (I was in the back seat of the car) and I remember thinking, “My god, if it was any other sister, he would not have made that joke!” Even the other day one of Sas’s friends made a very crude remark to me and said, “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said that!” and went on to say he forgot he was speaking to a sister.

You know, I didn’t mind it so much growing up, and I suppose this has some advantages (mainly that you are not focused on as a “girl” and people do not censor themselves around you, etc.) but it’s getting a little annoying now! My husband sometimes tells me the same thing, that he treats me “like a guy” because he respects me lol. But in a way, it also saddens me because in many ways I’m still a little girl - yes, not a FEMININE woman (I had a hard time calling myself a “woman” for so long - I don’t mind girl though because I like children) but a girl just the same. And I guess if the situation were reversed, if people were very dainty and deferent to me, I would also get annoyed, but there must be some kind of balance! I think maybe people are so very fixated on gender, they think “guy or girl” and shove you brutally into one category. But I wonder if the world, once it gets past my external appearance and gets to know me, will always see me as “one of the guys”.