I hate everyone right now. I feel so isolated and unreal - like nothing really exists right now. I hate being here, existing, feeling. I just do not feel like talking to or having a relationship with anyone right now. I don’t think I can explain how I hate how everyone is, how they are so stupid and how they try to impress each other and get stuff. I am like completely empty right now.

I don’t know when I stopped being entertained. But basically I have been feeling “dead” recently. I am very sad and overwhelmed, but it’s also peaceful in a way. I feel more emotional towards Allah as well.

And whereas before I would genuinely be entertained by things (books, music, television, films, etc.) I am feeling so dead, I can’t enjoy anything. All the colors have turned gray.

I will read about 5 pages of a book at a time, a really good book too, and not enjoy it. Even if it is a classic with mind-splitting thoughts, or a page-turner, I just can’t get into it.

If I watch something with my family, the laughs are empty. I could care less. I just do these things to fill space and time. I don’t look forward to them at all - I just don’t know what else to do some times until I can sleep and escape the eerie hollow feeling of life.

I mean it’s good in a way - to not have your heart attached to these things. Alhamdulillah. But it is also scary. It’s scary not to get comfort from good old reliable methods of distraction. Before if I was depressed I actually could be cheered up or even get into a film or a book. Now I just can’t - I simply don’t care.

Entertainment just isn’t very entertaining to me right now.  And there is no more escaping this life.

“Every soul shall taste death.” (3:185)

There is ijmaa’ah amongst mankind that death is inevitable. Yet many Muslims do not realize that for a believer, death is what our lives are really all about. For some reason, unless one is talking about sacrificing oneself literally in Allah’s Way (and even then), there is a predominant culture or attitude of judgement, simplistic assumptions, or derision upon anyone who prefers death.

The first assumption many people make is that the person who has a death wish has it due to weakness. Of course, if life is hated due to fear, ingratitude, or cowardice, this is a fault. Yet for many people, especially the “soulful” types, death is very appealing, and not simply when one is sad – in fact one can feel that way even when feeling the most calm or firm in faith. Many people simply do not find life to be so enjoyable that it is fulfilling or desirable in and of itself.

Some people I have heard even deny that “depression” or mental problems exist at all. Alhamdulillah, Allah acknowledged that “sadness” exists and that if a believer is patient upon it, she will be alleviated of sins. “Nothing strikes a Muslim – no fatigue, illness, worry, grief, hurt nor sorrow; not even a prick of a thorn – except that Allah wipes off due to it some of his sins.” [Bukhari and Muslim] Subhanallah, even the prick of a thorn. This should cheer up the perpetually morose. Allah knows your pain.

The most common belief is that a person who is of melancholy nature is a tormented, deviated sinner. This may be true, but is not always the case. Imaam Al-Bukhaari, rahimahullaah, made a du’aa at the end of his life for Allah to take his life. He was plagued with sadness. One of the most heart-warming examples of Allah’s Compassion and Mercy is from the Quran itself. “And the pains of childbirth drove her to the trunk of a date-palm. She said: “Would that I had died before this, and had been forgotten and out of sight!” (19:23) This was none other than Maryam, mother of ‘Eesa ‘alaihimas salaam. I remember when I had my children a lot of sisters would look down on others due to different ways of dealing with pain, etc. and I felt that it was amazing that one of the most honored and pious of women was quoted by Allah in His Noble Book. Sometimes things do seem unbearable and Allah is All-Knowing, All-Aware.

And lastly, the Sahaabiyaat radhi’allaahu ‘anhum used to pray “O Allah, if life is better for me, then give me life and if death is better for me give me death.” Basically sometimes life is a fitnah. Sometimes pious people would simply wish they were dead or did not exist due to their fear of Allah and fear of the sins they had commited, etc. The famous statement of ‘Umar radhi’allaahu ‘anhu where he said he wished he was a tree or a stone is well known. So it is ironic that sometimes death is not wished for due to the negative qualities one would assume are associated with it, but that in fact it could even be a sign of a person’s asceticism and understanding of the true nature of life.

“O you who believe! Fear Allah as He should be feared and die not except that you are Muslims.” (3:102)

I have thought about killing myself off and on from when I was a teenager. I’ve been severely depressive since I can remember. I’ve been told I should be on anti-depressants. I know it sounds dumb, but I hate medicine - I won’t even take a Tyelonol most days. Also I tried it once and it dulls you till you don’t care about anything in life - sure, you don’t want to kill yourself but you don’t exactly want to be alive or care if you are.

Everyone thinks it’s something they can “talk” you out of, but it’s not true. At that point it is so heavy of an emotion, that it blocks thought. For example, if someone has a phobia of spiders, you can tell them that “it’s harmless, it can’t hurt you” but even if they know that in their brain, they can’t get their body/feelings/nerves to comply.

The one thing that is helpful, though, is the love and care of someone you want. If you don’t want them, it’s actually annoying and can irritate you to the point you want to kill everyone else too. But what if that doesn’t happen? What if you have no one like that? Well, then you’re screwed unless you can build up your emaan and be strong.

I know a believer never gives up hope and I know it is forbidden. Yet at that moment, even though you know “inna ma’al ‘usri yusraa” - you can’t for the life of you hold onto it. It’s something you can totally believe and remind others with when you’re not feeling that way lol. And of course, afterwards, you can wipe your forehead and say “yup that’s so true”. But at that moment? You draw a total blank - it’s like you’re drowning in a sea of blackness and you have no straw to grasp and you are just panicking and flailing around but not doing anything rational or positive.

And the worst is that you are so desperate you think - maybe Allah will forgive me if I really can’t take it. I know that is a trick of the Shaitaan, his feeble little straw which he holds out to you. Or you pray to Allah, please let me die.

I have actually “killed” myself before - I took the pills. But I was saved, not by any person, and not even myself, astaghfirullaah. But it just happened - my body vomited them up in a spew of blackness (literally).
It’s not that I don’t try - I really do try to be patient, make du’aa, etc.

But really only Allah can save you in the end.