An artist using drugs is like an athlete using steroids.

it’s interesting how some things which people think of as “punishment” aren’t punishing at all; i love learning (about anything really) and i think i would’ve loved school had it not had anything to do with socialising; you know how kids are always happy when the teacher gives them a few minutes of “free time” to chat with friends, etc.? well, lol, i HATED that - i was like let’s get back to studying! i’d spend so many lunch periods crying in a bathroom stall; obviously i wanted friends, but something was wrong with me; and when i finally embraced my isolation, i actually had fun; so i started sneaking off campus everyday to go to the woods and i loved that - it was like an escape from school and people, where i could just relax and be myself; man, i had some of my most memorable, magical moments there - in a weird irony, once i stopped giving a damn, people even started to like me, but it was too late by then; i actually PREFERRED being alone; one of the funnest times i ever had in school lol was being suspended (in-school-suspension); it was soooo cool - you got to sit all by yourself facing a wall, completely isolated; no one bothered you, they gave you your work, which you finished on your own, ate your lunch, daydreamed, and at the end of the day, you’d have no homework because you didnt have to wait for your teachers to “explain” it to you or deal with other kids asking questions, etc. i wished school could always be like that - this reminds me also of how, going the other way, punishment which might seem like nothing to someone else could severely bother you; i was routinely grounded from reading, sometimes having my library books returned or my favorite books thrown away; i guess that’s the point of punishment - find what is precious to a person and take it away, then it really hurts…

oh my goodness, i keep thinking “nothing will ever shock me again” (nothing’s shocking lol) but well, i guess humans have this way (ugh, everyone is bugging the hell out of me these days; why do i attract emotionally disturbed people - i like READING about them, lol, not dealing with them; i mean i know i am one too, but i dont bother other people with it!)…the boogeyman is the worst - i see why kids are afraid of him now, and i think he’s the only one i’m actually afraid of…maybe because in the past we just saw these people as demons or devils, and in modern times we see interviews with them and “get to know them”, so their monstrosity is subdued; yet, while most of these people i’d even enjoy having a conversation with, the boogeyman truly frightens me (and i don’t scare that easily; when we were young lol i’d be the first to investigate a strange noise in the middle of the night - i guess it was always kinda fun to take risks etc.) - everyone else has paled in comparison; i can understand almost anyone else (no matter how shocking it was on the surface, i could finally come to understand the “causes”, rationales, or mechanisms which served some purpose to them); but the boogeyman is actually a beautiful, dignified old man (man, i miss my grandfather); i mean he’s BEAUTIFUL but he puts any goth punk wannabe (some people actually admire like that german guy for instance and stuff) or “deviant” to shame - he is by far the most non-human human i’ve seen; i dont just mean what he did, but the very way his body and mind worked (what little of it we knew); even up until death he was “triumphant” and seemed impervious to human authority, laws, or subjugation of any sort…god i really hope the boogeyman doesn’t get me…

man, i forgot what it was like to be “me”; i used to live a very magical and fun life (to myself, not to anyone else lol); and what’s cool is i thought i never could again, but it’s all coming back to me now…for the first time in like years i feel excited and stimulated again…what a relief…i can’t sit still anymore…

i dunno if it was reading all that disturbing stuff, but omg i was brushing my hair the other day and like there was this PATCH of gray/white hairs, all in one place, all of a sudden! lol i remember the first white hairs i got were when i was pregnant and my mother-in-law had come to “help” me; i had heard about people getting so frightened their hair tuns white or something, but i didnt realize that could really happen (plus i wasnt ever frightened, just shocked - and i thought nothing could ever really shock me anymore and well, i was disturbed - the worst thing i read and couldnt get out of my mind the other day was this german guy who posted on the internet that he wanted a male in his 20s or 30s with a good build to be consumed and eaten; ok that’s already sick, but there was a *er that actually answered, damn him! and there’s more disgusting details but it made me want to curse all humans like wtf is going on in this world; i dont get it); i mean i’ve buzzed off all my hair, dyed it bright red, but the white hair reminds me of holden caulfield and how he says he actually has a lot of white hairs; i found the whole thing so shocking and funny lol, how your body can be so affected by your mind; i think it’s from anxiety; anyhow, for some reason, i’ve always been pretty experimental about my body, though - i remember i was talking to this guy in high school and he was like why dont you wear makeup (when he heard i sometimes would rituallistically or artistically use makeup in private) and i was like its not worth it in “real life” to impress idiots; i saw it as an artistic expression, though; i remember i once cut off my eyelashes, not for any reason other than there were a pair of scissors there; and my sister lol was like what the hell, fatima, girls are dying to do anything to grow their eyelashes LONGER; they grew back, though, ha ha so no “worries” (i dunno why i find everything so funny these days)…hell, even that disturbing stuff, i was chuckling about it all weekend, not because it wasn’t sinful or sadistic or wrong, just because i guess the world seems so f*ed up right now, the only thing you can really do is laugh (”when you laugh, they can’t kill ya” - sadness, by porno for pyros)…

for some reason, i’ve always been attracted to weird/dark/disturbing stuff - to be honest, i even thought this was pretty normal, actually, since come on, american teens are into that a lot - but i’ve been reading some stuff and talking to some people, and well, it’s not as common as i thought lol - i remember in junior high being fascinated with the occult and me and another girl looked some stuff up on withchraft or something - i think with all the paranoia about satansim and stuff, our teacher freaked out and reported us the school counselor lol - anyway, another topic of fascination was serial killers, which i read about profusely as a teenager; lol i have been “out of the scene” for a while and hadn’t thought about it or read about it for some time - i had heard the more recent famous names, of course, but hadn’t read about them (mostly i had read about charles manson, jack the ripper, lizzy borden, etc.) and in general biographies of anyone (hell, even biographies of scientists and mathematicians, not to mention writers and artists) fascinate me; i remember i had this children’s almanac when i was a kid and reading the biographies (anne frank, john dillinger, etc.) over and over until my parents actually threw it away lol - and funny thing is i guess personality is what fascinates me above all else - i never thought about it all (the connection with all these things) until now i suppose; you know how they say truth is stranger than fiction, well, you dont always believe it what with movies that seem to have a lot of shock value and stuff (contrarily, i am drawn to the morbid, but i cant stand gore) but oh my goodness, i recently read about ed gein, and the stuff they put in movies (many books and movies were based on his case) were totally toned down compared to what he really did; i also found it interesting the “types” they have - and the abusive backgrounds are also unbelievable - you keep thinking - how was someone allowed to be raised like that??? some personalities are very cold, calculating, and self-centered, whereas others are more primally driven, etc. ted bundy seems to be an arrogant devil, period (i mean, what happened to him in his youth was horrible, of course) - the epitome of cold evil, really; john wayne gacy was actually less scary than what i had in mind when i heard of him; david berkowitz i can almost feel sorry for; i guess my current “favorite” is jeffrey dahmer - he’s the scariest, though, not only due to the nature of what he did, but the fact that really, his background was actually the most normal! ok so his parents got divorced and he moved, but huh? his father, who is still extremely vocal and seems like the most intelligent, centered, faithful, supportive, compassionate father ever, and who until the end would sit by his son’s side and talk about everything so calmly, seems amazing and i just can’t find what would do it; jeffrey himself was also very intelligent, and actually one of the most honest ones i’ve seen, talking about what he did and why; he was also remorseful and seemed compassionate to his victims (after being stopped), even seemed to be desperately trying not to have the crazy impulses he did (he soused himself with alcohol most of the time, calling it his “medicine”), and even took an interest in religion in the end (yes, i know others do these cliche things too, but it’s still better to me than people like bundy, who till the end, deny they even did anything or simply say what’s one less person in this world); but bundy was scary in another way because the sucker actually studied psychology and law, man; he escaped twice and killed lol (not lol ha ha, but can you believe this guy’s drive); anyway, i re-discovered this topic a few days ago and have been compulsively reading/watching documentaries on it the whole weekend; i didn’t exactly have nightmares, but i went to bed sick last night with a raging headache from eyestrain from a damned computer screen (i hate reading on computers!!!); and i guess i just feel sad about human nature and how actually in the end, you can even relate to these people (not condone them); i mean i remember in my teens watching a doc about how some BABIES in infancy show signs of a lack of response to humans; ted bundy at the age of 3 put knives around his aunt/niece? and jeffrey was the most curious of children; it scares me how the wiring and the events (and most of their lives were horrific before they began killing) are all set up for it, really; the world is so sad, actually; it scares me about the people i know and about myself…