Raising Self-Reliant Kids
A lot of parents don’t keep in mind that the point of “raising” you kids is for THEM to take care of themselves. As a “single” parent (meaning I am divorced and my kids stay with me sometimes and sometimes with their father), I felt this was even more urgent. I can’t always be with my children - but this is true for everyone.
A balance is the best thing you can give your children - on the one hand you do not want them to have “total freedom” because obviously, since kids are still growing, they need to be educated, trained, etc. Things like compassion for others, generosity, self-reliance, discipline, etc. are not always inherent in everyone - they must be taught. So first off of course YOU must be a good role model. If you’re not perfect, that’s ok, but at least be honest - the most destructive thing is for you to be a foul hypocrite or a horribly corrupt person - if after that you start to “preach” to them right and wrong, well, you can see it would not only be ineffective, most likely you’d turn your children’s impressionable hearts against the very things you want for them.
There is nothing better you can give your children in this crazy world than honesty WITH understanding, compassion, wisdom, and guidance. In other words, you should draw out a picture of what is good and bad - what are traits they should cultivate and what are traits they need to rid in themselves. How many parents want a good “education” for their children but neglect CHARACTER and MANNERS, which are probably the MOST important things a human being can have. The Prophet sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam told us he was only sent to perfect the manners. So having limits, guidelines, makes sense of the world for kids - and they will be less bewildered and troubled by the challenges to come inshallah.
On the other hand, you do not want to completely isolate them or “force” them into being “good” - meaning some parents think “well, if my child has no tv, no music, no contact with imperfect people, etc. then they can’t be polluted” - to an extent that is true. You want to make sure that their BASE of family and friends is positive and righteous - but they will one day enter the real world and will undoubtedly face evil or bad habits, etc. and they have to CHOOSE to be good for themselves. That is the goal. So again, a balance of experiences (and remember experience is different than influence - a wise parent can see the differenc) is key.
Another problem area for parents is the perception that the more you “care” about your child, the more you will baby him/her. I remember I was sometimes called a “heartless” mother - because for example, if my child fell down, I would quickly see if it was an emergency (gushing blood etc.) - if it was I would quickly take action, but without screeching - and if it was not, I would slowly offer help. If it was mild, I would let them handle it themselves while watching. The point is, the more you rescue your children - the more dependent on you. You want to be there IF they need your help - obviously neglect is the other extreme, and in fact weakens the child - but quiet support is better. Try to let them work out most of their challenges and problems on their own while you keep a watchful eye, intervening only when necessary.
Nagging is also a huge issue - nagging is constantly trying to get kids to see things your way. For the most part, what is most effective is to educate. Once they know, allow them to think for themselves and hopefully agree with the things you are trying to get them to see. If they have questions, be honest and fair. I think I am more of a mentor to my children than anything else - they know anytime night or day they can ask me about anything. When they trust you, they will come to you on their own for guidance. Furthermore, nagging causes the child to turn a deaf ear to you, to be irritated with you. It drives them away - you want to build a relationship where they come to you willingly.
Consistency is also of obvious importance. Remember, consistency is not constant force to control them - it is simply so that they will build SELF-discipline, so they will be empowered and strong to care for themselves. If you set up a schedule or tasks for them to do, that is only the smallest part - enforcement, consequences for neglect, etc. are where the real action is.
Alhamdulillaah, my kids are fairly self-reliant and they choose Islam. I know they have friends even who refuse to pray, etc. and I was amused to find this “shocked” them. They take care of themselves, can cook, clean, do their homework, etc. I actually give them quite a bit of freedom - and I see it all as testing grounds - what do they choose? Alhamdulillaah they are by in large mindful of Allah, respectful of others, and responsible for themselves.
This summer, I had some goals for my kids - I said to them kids, no matter where you are in life (again, they will spend most of the summer with their dad) you must agree to always do 4 things (you do not want to make your requests of them too often or too much - this loses effectiveness): guard your 5 prayers, take care of yourself (brush your teeth, etc.), take care of your possessions (keep your room/house tidy, etc.), and read quran once a day. I let them go last weekend and this whole week I hadn’t spoken to them.
I was a bit nervous and I thought - nah, they probably forgot - it’s summer, they’re with their dad, they might be traveling, etc. and I resolved when they returned (they get about 2 weeks at my mom’s house) to go over my request again, reminding them a few more times (it’s good to be practical and not too idealistic when dealing with kids - expect some slip-ups and have patience). To my surprise, when I spoke to them today, my daughter said yes, they were doing all I asked. I was so happy! And you know, she said to me, “Mom, why are you so surprised?!” as if why don’t you trust us or think we were capable of it? And I guess she’s right. :)
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June 25th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
No waaaay am I ever going to have kids (insha Allah- that’s how I’ve planned things). I’d rather incur the penalty for not having kids (if there is one) than destroy the life of a child. Parenting is insanely difficult and people go into it as if it’s nothing. I mean, can you believe that you’re completely responsible for what happens to another person, pretty much for the rest of their lives? How can anyone then become a parent?!
The way most (Muslim) parents are, some kind of complusory sterilisation programme should be set up.
June 25th, 2008 at 6:48 pm
yah, when im really depressed i almost feel like its a crime to have kids - and sometimes i feel sorry for them and the thought of all the pain that awaits them - but at the same time, i think somehow my kids are better than me and may not be as depressed (or more normal inshallah)
June 26th, 2008 at 4:03 am
This has nothing to do with depression for me; even when happy I don’t want to have anything to do with them. How can anybody take on so much extra responsibility voluntarily? Chances are, they (children) will turn out ‘wrong’ and it will be *your* (not you, just parents in general) fault.
June 26th, 2008 at 10:59 am
but i think that pessimistic (even if valid) outlook itself is depressive - there must a reason almost everyone (muslim/non-muslim) end up having kids
for me, though, maybe it’s a woman thing, but i am sure i would feel “unfulfilled” (or the biological clock thing) if i didnt already have some - ive wanted kids since i was like 9 or something - i always loved those pictures of the old lady who lived in a shoe and i come from a fairly big family etc. so i always pictured lots of kids running around; and no doubt it was cool HAVING them (ok during the process it seems torturous - throwing up, back pains, etc.) but at the same time some amazing experiences - feeling someone grow inside of you, kicking, etc. and well dont forget babies are sooooo cute!
June 27th, 2008 at 10:06 am
‘babies are sooooo cute!’
Is this the closest you can get to a cogent defence of your decision to become a parent? No wonder- you did it for no other reason than everyone else was doing it. These sentiments are thoroughly socialised. You were ideologically interpellated…just like everyone else, just like *my* parents, who I think were so remiss in their duties that the state should have intervened and sterilised them.
Come up with a better reason than that, please.
June 27th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
omg you are so funny - i wasnt trying to come up with a “cogent defense of my decision to become a parent” - are you for real? :D
June 27th, 2008 at 8:22 pm
baies being cute is the perfect reason to have babies.
I can’t even think of the reaso I want thembut I know i want them, and Iknow i don’t want to take care of them or would ever really do anything.
But, I still want them I think i want them to manipulate and do with as i please, mold them into the perfect little children and adults that they will be in shaa Alalah
Sas
June 27th, 2008 at 8:23 pm
and what does ‘cogent’ mean.
Sas
June 28th, 2008 at 12:03 am
lol its like good or sound like “a cogent argument” - here’s the official def:
1. convincing or believable by virtue of forcible, clear, or incisive presentation; telling
2. to the point; relevant; pertinent
btw i dont think its a “socialised” instinct - i think its straightforward biology
June 29th, 2008 at 11:43 am
As in, ‘when I grow up I wanna have one boy and one girl’- socialised.
Yes, I am for real. Now come up with a good reason to have children.
June 29th, 2008 at 11:59 am
well i didnt say that (about one girl, one boy type thing) - but anyway - as i said, i never came with the platform that “people should have kids!”
June 30th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
I don’t care what manifesto you came out with. I want you to justify your parenthood to me! Why should you be allowed to become a parent?
June 30th, 2008 at 6:48 pm
first i want you to justify your demand for a justification from me :)
July 1st, 2008 at 6:09 am
For the last two years I’ve decided there’s no way I ever want to have children, and that almost everyone who does does so selfishly.
July 1st, 2008 at 8:03 am
well, my manifesto is islam lol - and we are encouraged to have kids - and fulfill their rights, so as long as someone does their utmost to do that, it is recommended
but as i said, there are some purely biological aspects to why most people have kids as well
i dont really see a problem if someone has kids selfishly - as allah mentions it is a natural part of life, and as selfish as wanting a home or a horse
again, the main thing is to fulfill their rights and do a good job raising them…
July 1st, 2008 at 10:26 am
“the main thing is to fulfill their rights and do a good job raising them”
Which is absolutely impossible. I haven’t seen a parent who has fulfilled the rights of their child and done a good job raising them- to the extent that I’m convinced that this is an exception to the general rule of utter remissness on the part of (most) parents. Added to the problem that the mistakes you tend to make with your children have a nasty tendency to outlive you and your generation.
And marriage would be the same with me, were it not for the fact that it’s (for me, at least) completely obligatory.
July 1st, 2008 at 12:05 pm
if its impossible, it wouldnt be recommended
i’m sorry if you havent seen ANY parents who have fulfilled the rights, but i have (even if many do not)
July 1st, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Marriage is different though- it’s *amazing* alhamdulillah
July 1st, 2008 at 4:18 pm
did you get married (if you’re the same person)?
July 1st, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Well, you can see my IP and my e-mail address- yes, I am the same person.
No, I’m not married *yet* insha Allah.
And if I’m operating under any illusions, kindly don’t disabuse me of them :)
July 1st, 2008 at 8:27 pm
yah, sorry i didnt bother checking…it just sounded like you were a newlywed or something - all i’ll say is marriage isnt that different - you still have to be careful of rights :)
look i want you to enjoy the first experiences of married life but i also dont want you to take it that much harder when it changes…
may allah find you a pious wife and bless your marriage forever
July 2nd, 2008 at 3:33 am
‘it just sounded like you were a newlywed’
What kind of newlywed would waste so much time on the internet?
Ameen to your du’a.
July 2nd, 2008 at 5:03 am
Its super easy to be a good parent.
First of all people are very confused about what we have to do to be a good parent. We only have to make sure they know right and wrong, and instill these ethics to a degree by the time they hit puberty.
The moment they hit puberty, they are on their own and your job as a parent is done. The rest is up to them -
Teeangerhood all of this stuff has nothing to do with parenting. At this point, the parents job is just to take care of them if they remain together.
Children are responsible for themselves by the age of 15 period.
If they grow up to be idiots, they were already idiots, no swear off the parents back and the kids can’t blame their parents either.
Sas