I think that I am still a baby - emotionally that is. I mean I look like an adult and I have the brain of an adult, but emotionally, it’s like I never got past childhood. I mean, I even sleep like a baby - in the fetal position or with my arms up over my head. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, actually. I always had a very free nature and I never really went by the norms of society. Plus I grew up very isolated. Not only were my parents ultra strict (which I know they were just looking out for me) but also I was so weird I just could never make any friends.

I remember I loved learning - in fact, school would be a dream if it wasn’t for the social factor. I mean, I’m the kind that actually enjoyed my defensive driving course (when I got a ticket)! But in school, I dreaded lunch, where you would have to sit with friends, group projects, even free time because the teachers assumed you would want to get with your friends. If you didn’t have friends or know how to relate to normal humans, then it was difficult. I remember once I got ISS (In school suspension) and it was like the funnest thing in the world - you sat all isolated, didn’t have to hear boring lectures or deal with classmates, did your work, and went home with no homework! I wondered why all of school couldn’t be like that. ISS was no punishment, for me!

I spent most of my days in the girls’ bathroom, crying in a stall during lunch time. Finally, I got tired of being such a coward and I just said to myself, “You know what - you are alone.” After I accepted myself for who I was, I actually enjoyed being alone. I used to go under the bridge to these woods by a bayou, and I would take off my hijab, read, sing, pray, eat my lunch, and take in the beauty around me. I looked forward to lunch as my haven away from school. Most of my youth was spent alone with books, music, movies, and other things which made up the world I lived in - located in my head. The characters, authors, and artists, both living and dead, were my “friends”. In fact, I felt so comfortable with myself, I guess people noticed and some even asked me to sit with them (something I would have killed for earlier), but by then I preferred being alone!

I suppose by adulthood. no one could really top the amazing people in my head. I pretty much preferred being alone and found most people boring. But more than that, something I didn’t realize at the time - I was very withdrawn as a person. I mean for me socializing is surreal. Sometimes it is purely Islamic for me - I smile and say salaam to like every sister. I also believing in keeping the ties of family, relations, and community. I also am hypersensitive about including everyone, especially people I perceive as left out. Sometimes this fools people into thinking I am very social. From another angle, I can be very very open about my own feelings and emotions, but again, what most people don’t realize is it is quite “impersonal” on my behalf - it’s more like self-expression or art to share a life experience with all of humanity or something.

Yet in adulthood I continue to have some oddities. When I got married the first time, in an arrangement, I remember I couldn’t be open with my husband - to the point that I could never look him in the eye. I mean he was a nice person, but I never felt comfortable enough with him to let my guard down I suppose. In general, I also can’t stand touching people. I sort of wince when I have to hug sisters, but it’s like taking a deep breath and plunging in - and it’s over soon. Once in a while I’ve been in a situation some sister will lovingly hold my hand and be childish with me, holding it for a while or something. And I try, I really do try to enjoy it, but it makes my skin crawl. If someone starts talking to me real personal, I tend to back up and start crossing my arms in that old defensive posture. Lol, I once had a marriage counselor (for my first marriage) look pointedly at me and say in her calm, maternal voice, “You don’t like being touched, do you?” It sort of shocked me that she could see that lol!

Anyway, what’s odd about all this is that somehow even though I am childish in nature, I tend to be bigger than everyone around me. What do I mean? I don’t mean I am older or have more knowledge or authority or position. It’s just many times people look up to me or they actually act more childish than me - I hate to say it, but I am tired of being bigger than everyone around me! I wouldn’t mind, but I don’t have anyone who I can talk to - not anyone I trust to lay down my troubles or cry on their shoulder. A sister once told me, when she heard about my marriage (the first one) that I was more independent than anyone she had met, who was married, and she said she thought perhaps I wasn’t meant to be close with anyone, that I was to be close with Allah. I do think about that sometimes, but I know I’m not a saint, so I am afraid to assume things or build myself up as righteous or something. I don’t know - life is so strange.

And what’s weird is I feel like I’m “institutionalized” - like I’m so used to being alone, I actually feel weird if I’m in a social gathering. I remember as a teenager I once went to the mall with some girls - and I was sort of excited like “this is what a normal teenager does!” but when I got there, it’s like I felt like running home and burying my head in my mom’s lap or something - it was so strange - I actually told the girls I would meet them somewhere just so I could wander around by myself. And until now when I walk, I walk all slumped and not making eye contact. It’s just a habit after all these years.

In the mean time, I sometimes get people who want my help - I guess I am so open about my feelings, they feel they can trust me. I am very sensitive, so I do have a lot of compassion - I really feel for people and I want to help them if I can, even if I’m a nut. This one brother spilled his guts to me (my husband was copied of course) and he even like insulted me a lot in the process - because that’s how it is when you’re sick in the head - you tend to be insecure, etc. but I stayed calm and helped him get past all that. But now I have no idea how he’s doing - he just stopped communication. Inshallah he’s ok, but I worry. The thing is, there is no one in my life I can be weak around, not at all. The one person in life I have actually after all these years opened up to completely berates and torments me if I show signs of insecurity or weakness. So I guess I don’t know what to do. I know if I was a better Muslim I would indeed have a relationship with Allah which would be enough - and I try to but it’s hard and I feel so weak sometimes. Also, I don’t know what it is about human beings - why the hell do we even feel “lonely” or feel the need for human companionship? It’s so strange. Either way, I have always felt alone and I guess after all these years I still am.

This entry was posted on Sunday, June 22nd, 2008 at 8:55 pm and is filed under Insanity. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.