A lot of parents don’t keep in mind that the point of “raising” you kids is for THEM to take care of themselves. As a “single” parent (meaning I am divorced and my kids stay with me sometimes and sometimes with their father), I felt this was even more urgent. I can’t always be with my children - but this is true for everyone.

A balance is the best thing you can give your children - on the one hand you do not want them to have “total freedom” because obviously, since kids are still growing, they need to be educated, trained, etc. Things like compassion for others, generosity, self-reliance, discipline, etc. are not always inherent in everyone - they must be taught. So first off of course YOU must be a good role model. If you’re not perfect, that’s ok, but at least be honest - the most destructive thing is for you to be a foul hypocrite or a horribly corrupt person - if after that you start to “preach” to them right and wrong, well, you can see it would not only be ineffective, most likely you’d turn your children’s impressionable hearts against the very things you want for them.

There is nothing better you can give your children in this crazy world than honesty WITH understanding, compassion, wisdom, and guidance. In other words, you should draw out a picture of what is good and bad - what are traits they should cultivate and what are traits they need to rid in themselves. How many parents want a good “education” for their children but neglect CHARACTER and MANNERS, which are probably the MOST important things a human being can have. The Prophet sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam told us he was only sent to perfect the manners. So having limits, guidelines, makes sense of the world for kids - and they will be less bewildered and troubled by the challenges to come inshallah.

On the other hand, you do not want to completely isolate them or “force” them into being “good” - meaning some parents think “well, if my child has no tv, no music, no contact with imperfect people, etc. then they can’t be polluted” - to an extent that is true. You want to make sure that their BASE of family and friends is positive and righteous - but they will one day enter the real world and will undoubtedly face evil or bad habits, etc. and they have to CHOOSE to be good for themselves. That is the goal. So again, a balance of experiences (and remember experience is different than influence - a wise parent can see the differenc) is key.

Another problem area for parents is the perception that the more you “care” about your child, the more you will baby him/her. I remember I was sometimes called a “heartless” mother - because for example, if my child fell down, I would quickly see if it was an emergency (gushing blood etc.) - if it was I would quickly take action, but without screeching - and if it was not, I would slowly offer help. If it was mild, I would let them handle it themselves while watching. The point is, the more you rescue your children - the more dependent on you. You want to be there IF they need your help - obviously neglect is the other extreme, and in fact weakens the child - but quiet support is better. Try to let them work out most of their challenges and problems on their own while you keep a watchful eye, intervening only when necessary.

Nagging is also a huge issue - nagging is constantly trying to get kids to see things your way. For the most part, what is most effective is to educate. Once they know, allow them to think for themselves and hopefully agree with the things you are trying to get them to see. If they have questions, be honest and fair. I think I am more of a mentor to my children than anything else - they know anytime night or day they can ask me about anything. When they trust you, they will come to you on their own for guidance. Furthermore, nagging causes the child to turn a deaf ear to you, to be irritated with you. It drives them away - you want to build a relationship where they come to you willingly.

Consistency is also of obvious importance. Remember, consistency is not constant force to control them - it is simply so that they will build SELF-discipline, so they will be empowered and strong to care for themselves. If you set up a schedule or tasks for them to do, that is only the smallest part - enforcement, consequences for neglect, etc. are where the real action is.

Alhamdulillaah, my kids are fairly self-reliant and they choose Islam. I know they have friends even who refuse to pray, etc. and I was amused to find this “shocked” them. They take care of themselves, can cook, clean, do their homework, etc. I actually give them quite a bit of freedom - and I see it all as testing grounds - what do they choose? Alhamdulillaah they are by in large mindful of Allah, respectful of others, and responsible for themselves.

This summer, I had some goals for my kids - I said to them kids, no matter where you are in life (again, they will spend most of the summer with their dad) you must agree to always do 4 things (you do not want to make your requests of them too often or too much - this loses effectiveness): guard your 5 prayers, take care of yourself (brush your teeth, etc.), take care of your possessions (keep your room/house tidy, etc.), and read quran once a day. I let them go last weekend and this whole week I hadn’t spoken to them.

I was a bit nervous and I thought - nah, they probably forgot - it’s summer, they’re with their dad, they might be traveling, etc. and I resolved when they returned (they get about 2 weeks at my mom’s house) to go over my request again, reminding them a few more times (it’s good to be practical and not too idealistic when dealing with kids - expect some slip-ups and have patience). To my surprise, when I spoke to them today, my daughter said yes, they were doing all I asked. I was so happy! And you know, she said to me, “Mom, why are you so surprised?!” as if why don’t you trust us or think we were capable of it? And I guess she’s right. :)

I think that I am still a baby - emotionally that is. I mean I look like an adult and I have the brain of an adult, but emotionally, it’s like I never got past childhood. I mean, I even sleep like a baby - in the fetal position or with my arms up over my head. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, actually. I always had a very free nature and I never really went by the norms of society. Plus I grew up very isolated. Not only were my parents ultra strict (which I know they were just looking out for me) but also I was so weird I just could never make any friends.

I remember I loved learning - in fact, school would be a dream if it wasn’t for the social factor. I mean, I’m the kind that actually enjoyed my defensive driving course (when I got a ticket)! But in school, I dreaded lunch, where you would have to sit with friends, group projects, even free time because the teachers assumed you would want to get with your friends. If you didn’t have friends or know how to relate to normal humans, then it was difficult. I remember once I got ISS (In school suspension) and it was like the funnest thing in the world - you sat all isolated, didn’t have to hear boring lectures or deal with classmates, did your work, and went home with no homework! I wondered why all of school couldn’t be like that. ISS was no punishment, for me!

I spent most of my days in the girls’ bathroom, crying in a stall during lunch time. Finally, I got tired of being such a coward and I just said to myself, “You know what - you are alone.” After I accepted myself for who I was, I actually enjoyed being alone. I used to go under the bridge to these woods by a bayou, and I would take off my hijab, read, sing, pray, eat my lunch, and take in the beauty around me. I looked forward to lunch as my haven away from school. Most of my youth was spent alone with books, music, movies, and other things which made up the world I lived in - located in my head. The characters, authors, and artists, both living and dead, were my “friends”. In fact, I felt so comfortable with myself, I guess people noticed and some even asked me to sit with them (something I would have killed for earlier), but by then I preferred being alone!

I suppose by adulthood. no one could really top the amazing people in my head. I pretty much preferred being alone and found most people boring. But more than that, something I didn’t realize at the time - I was very withdrawn as a person. I mean for me socializing is surreal. Sometimes it is purely Islamic for me - I smile and say salaam to like every sister. I also believing in keeping the ties of family, relations, and community. I also am hypersensitive about including everyone, especially people I perceive as left out. Sometimes this fools people into thinking I am very social. From another angle, I can be very very open about my own feelings and emotions, but again, what most people don’t realize is it is quite “impersonal” on my behalf - it’s more like self-expression or art to share a life experience with all of humanity or something.

Yet in adulthood I continue to have some oddities. When I got married the first time, in an arrangement, I remember I couldn’t be open with my husband - to the point that I could never look him in the eye. I mean he was a nice person, but I never felt comfortable enough with him to let my guard down I suppose. In general, I also can’t stand touching people. I sort of wince when I have to hug sisters, but it’s like taking a deep breath and plunging in - and it’s over soon. Once in a while I’ve been in a situation some sister will lovingly hold my hand and be childish with me, holding it for a while or something. And I try, I really do try to enjoy it, but it makes my skin crawl. If someone starts talking to me real personal, I tend to back up and start crossing my arms in that old defensive posture. Lol, I once had a marriage counselor (for my first marriage) look pointedly at me and say in her calm, maternal voice, “You don’t like being touched, do you?” It sort of shocked me that she could see that lol!

Anyway, what’s odd about all this is that somehow even though I am childish in nature, I tend to be bigger than everyone around me. What do I mean? I don’t mean I am older or have more knowledge or authority or position. It’s just many times people look up to me or they actually act more childish than me - I hate to say it, but I am tired of being bigger than everyone around me! I wouldn’t mind, but I don’t have anyone who I can talk to - not anyone I trust to lay down my troubles or cry on their shoulder. A sister once told me, when she heard about my marriage (the first one) that I was more independent than anyone she had met, who was married, and she said she thought perhaps I wasn’t meant to be close with anyone, that I was to be close with Allah. I do think about that sometimes, but I know I’m not a saint, so I am afraid to assume things or build myself up as righteous or something. I don’t know - life is so strange.

And what’s weird is I feel like I’m “institutionalized” - like I’m so used to being alone, I actually feel weird if I’m in a social gathering. I remember as a teenager I once went to the mall with some girls - and I was sort of excited like “this is what a normal teenager does!” but when I got there, it’s like I felt like running home and burying my head in my mom’s lap or something - it was so strange - I actually told the girls I would meet them somewhere just so I could wander around by myself. And until now when I walk, I walk all slumped and not making eye contact. It’s just a habit after all these years.

In the mean time, I sometimes get people who want my help - I guess I am so open about my feelings, they feel they can trust me. I am very sensitive, so I do have a lot of compassion - I really feel for people and I want to help them if I can, even if I’m a nut. This one brother spilled his guts to me (my husband was copied of course) and he even like insulted me a lot in the process - because that’s how it is when you’re sick in the head - you tend to be insecure, etc. but I stayed calm and helped him get past all that. But now I have no idea how he’s doing - he just stopped communication. Inshallah he’s ok, but I worry. The thing is, there is no one in my life I can be weak around, not at all. The one person in life I have actually after all these years opened up to completely berates and torments me if I show signs of insecurity or weakness. So I guess I don’t know what to do. I know if I was a better Muslim I would indeed have a relationship with Allah which would be enough - and I try to but it’s hard and I feel so weak sometimes. Also, I don’t know what it is about human beings - why the hell do we even feel “lonely” or feel the need for human companionship? It’s so strange. Either way, I have always felt alone and I guess after all these years I still am.

Pulled through you, and drowning in your swirl
Circling, unfolding in your will
I’m gonna glide on the winds of your breathing
And alight on your guarded heart

I’m gonna tear all your temples down
I’m on a MISSION now

Smoldering down inside your mood
Slithering and fanning in your eyes
I’m going to dive through your crying and sleep in your hair
Rise from your ashes and kneel in you prayers

I’m gonna tear all your temples down
I’m on a MISSION now

And I have nothing, but then the have is not as good as the want

I’m gonna glide on the winds of your breathing
Writhe in your calm and provide your release
Weave into your wanting and needing
And reside in the heart of your strongest beliefs

Tear all your temples down
I’m on a MISSION now
I’m on a MISSION now
I’m on a MISSION now

I have nothing…
But then the have is not as good as the WANT!

- Chris Cornell

All virtue springs from a single action: remembrance.

Sincerity is the remembrance of God.

Righteousness is the remembrance of God’s Laws.

Humility is the remembrance of one’s faults and folly.

Compassion is the remembrance of one’s weakness and pain.

Love is the remembrance of virtue.

Let us improve our memory!

Let us never forget!

Salvador Dali, The Persistence of Memory

I first heard this hadith from my mom, may Allah bless her. It is sooo beautiful and a great reminder for anyone who has forgotten that we human beings were never meant to be angels, and that Allah loves us greatly. When you read this, your heart fills with joy and you get tears in your eyes. But aside from it being hopeful, one of my favorite things about it is how Allah actually has a sense of humor, how He isn’t the way some people portray Him (only the scary parts - don’t get me wrong, He is awesome and worthy of our fear - but it’s not the ONLY side of Him!) - how it is so matter-of-factly mentioned the slip-up of the human at the end, how He has so much Compassion and understanding for us (lol imagine a Muslim saying such a thing in front of most of the people nowadays - he’d have his head cut off in 2 seconds!). So to all of you who have lost all hope in your lives, who spend your time reflecting on evil and crying, read this and smile. :)

Imagine you are traveling through the desert with your horse, which has the only food and water for miles around. It is very hot and you are sweaty, dusty, and thirsty in the middle of nowhere. All of a sudden, it seems your horse has run away. Imagine how upset you would be - most of us freak out if we lost our car keys or our passports - but in this situation,  it is CERTAIN DEATH. You frantically search for hours and finally feel hopeless and give up, but find unexpected relief! And so overwhelmed are you at your salvation you unintentionally say something blasphemous.

Now imagine God, who is Free of All Want, Who needs nothing, but is the Source of Everything, who does not have any weakness or dependency - is it really possible for Him to be happier than when you, who are weak and needy, finally get saved from a wretched death? This is how much your repentance, your return to Him, means. How many of us lowly creatures cannot forgive the petty slights of others while God is Above everything, Most Magnanimous. You are the runaway horse, the defiant and sinful slave, and when you decide to come back, God is there, pleased and welcoming. All Praise is for God, the Ever-Merciful!

Here is the original narration from the compilation by Imam Muslim:

“Allah has greater joy at the repentance of one His slaves when he turns towards Him than one of you would have over his mount, which, having escaped from him with his food and drink in the middle of the desert so that he has despaired of finding it and gone to a tree to lie down in its shade, suddenly appears standing by him while he is in that state, so that he takes its reins and then says out of the intensity of his joy, ‘O Allah, You are my slave and I am Your Lord!’ getting confused because of his intense joy.’”

I have this problem - I think about something until I bore a hole into my mind. This song always cheered me up when I was sad. It makes you feel comforted by an older, wiser person and makes you feel like a baby for dwelling on things too much.

“For verily, with hardship comes ease. Verily, with hardship comes ease.” - The Quran

—————————————————————————————

I’m not afraid of anything in this world
There’s nothing you can throw at me that I haven’t already heard
I’m just trying to find a decent melody
A song that I can sing in my own company

I never thought you were a fool
But darling, look at you
You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere, baby

You’ve got to get yourself together
You’ve got stuck in a moment and now you can’t get out of it
Don’t say that later will be better now you’re stuck in a moment
And you can’t get out of it

I will not forsake the colors that you bring
But the nights you filled with fireworks
They left you with nothing
I am still enchanted by the light you brought to me
I listen through your ears, and through your eyes I can see

And you are such a fool
To worry like you do
I know it’s tough, and you can never get enough
Of what you don’t really need now … my oh my

You’ve got to get yourself together
You’ve got stuck in a moment and you can’t get out of it
Oh love look at you now
You’ve got yourself stuck in a moment and you can’t get out of it

I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm till you discover how deep
I wasn’t jumping, for me it was a fall
It’s a long way down to nothing at all

You’ve got to get yourself together
You’ve got stuck in a moment and you can’t get out of it
Don’t say that later will be better now
You’re stuck in a moment and you can’t get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day won’t last
And if your way should falter
Along the stony pass

And if the night runs over
And if the day won’t last
And if your way should falter
Along the stony pass
It’s just a moment
This time will pass

- U2

Question: What is the significance of Hajj (the pilgrimage) in Islam?

Many times when we are sitting in our homes, in society, doing business, we forget about God. Taking a religious pilgrimage, traveling to a holy place and seeing the reminders of the religion, to physically touch the symbols, to be in a sacred setting, can help you in your faith.

In Hajj, most of the places and rituals are reminders of the “Father of Prophets” (the common point between Jews, Christians, and Muslims), Abraham (Ibrahim ‘alaihis salaam):

The Ka’bah - was the first house of worship which Abraham built
The Hills of Safa and Marwa - where Hagar was left with the baby Ishmael
The Well of Zam Zam - the miracle of the water which appeared
The Jamaraat (the pillars where Abraham was tempted) - this is where Abraham went to sacrifice his son - and why the Muslims at the time of ‘Eid do the sacrfice of the lambs, as a commemoration

I think it is sad that nowadays people go on “vacation”, spending money and time for frivolity, to relax their bodies, when they could spend their time and money to learn, to refresh their souls. I recommend any person of any faith to spend SOME of your time and money to travel in search of God or to travel to ponder what it is you believe in, at least once in your life.

“Never trust anyone with a penis.”

The Western world is a lot like the typical parent. You know how a lot of parents do drugs, are promiscuous, raise a lot of hell and have so much fun in their youth? And then, when they get older, they settle down, put on a suit and tie, get a job, join a church, and start believing in stuff like morality and traditional values? And tell their kids, “Son, drugs are bad. Save yourself before marriage. Be a good American.”

Well, the West is all grown up now and is all for “truth, justice, freedom, and peace”. That’s all well and good, but damnit, let the rest of the world have its share of fun too. Let us have our invasions, our killing off of indigenous peoples, our genocides, revolutions, and exploitations. Then when we’ve made it, and are in positions of power and authority, when we’re all grown up and done “developing”, we can be responsible parents too.

I can’t tell you how many pieces of white trash sit in their castles and bemoan how unjust and hostile the world is to them. And how the violence they perpetrate is only for the good of the world. At least tell the truth you liars - your jihad is for the Almighty Dollar. The Dollar is the Greatest! You arm dictators and then tell your people how they need to be taken out - you profit from the buildup as well as the destruction. And you don’t give a damn about freedom or independent thought - it’s a pat on the head to your sheepish, lazy, corrupt people so you can continue to rape them. And you have amnesia about the blood on your hands. Listen, Dad, if I’m gonna kill someone, I’d rather do it for God than gold. Hell I’d rather do it for art than gold.

I know some people will read this and take it as a hatred of all Western society, but that’s not the case. I am a child of the West too, and I know that my brothers and sisters are ordinary people, just as gullible as any Mozlems living in the East - they want to believe in something, something to fight for, something to die for as well. But see, what your parents didn’t tell you was that they’ve already done that for centuries. They just don’t want any blacks in their neighborhood now. Some of you are smart enough not to believe your parents, but you will be branded as a “traitor” to your family. Others of you are so childish you can’t think past the person who is feeding you, and are willing to die for their benefit.

If someone like Gandhi told the world to lay down their arms, I respect that. At least he was sincere about what he believed. If someone like Dubbya does it, hell no. Not until he does. Lol every parent thinks they can act retarded and demand perfection from their kids. Until these irresponsible and hypocritical parents can stop being so disgustingly adult, the teenage rebellion continues, and the parents can just eat it.