For some reason, when I was growing up, no one really saw me as a very “girly” girl. I’ve always been childish, but not very feminine. For some reason, I remember people saying I can be “intimidating”, which I didn’t see at all - as I am quite open-hearted towards everyone. But I do remember growing up, when I saw very “feminine” girls they would either be very docile, shy, or quiet (in a sort of mousy way) or be one of those preening, vain, fashion-and-popularity “social butterflies” obsessed with hair, makeup, and clothing. And I didn’t really like that and didn’t want to be that. So when I was a teenager I guess I would kind of deliberately try to be “gender-neutral” in my mannerisms. It would make me cringe if I felt I was walking or sitting “like a girl” because I’d get that image of one of the shallow girls around me. It’s not that I wanted to be a guy - I just didn’t want to be too obviously a girl. Being too girly meant not being taken seriously, having people look at your chest while you talk, etc. I wanted independence and power, and that was the best solution I could come up with - to dress, talk, and act in a way that would not focus on my gender.

A consequence of this is that most guys (and girls) saw me as “one of the guys”. I mean, guys would talk to me in my classes as if I was a guy. They would tell me about girls, etc. One guy, after telling me some stuff, said, “Oh my god, I’m sorry, I hope I didn’t sound like a pig etc.” You see, he had forgotten he was talking to a girl! Now this was something that went very deep, because I remember before I wore hijaab, one day I was at the mall and I was dressed in tight clothing and my hair was out - and this guy walked over and tried to hit on me. He was one of those gross guys with his shirt half unbuttoned, about 19, making the rounds obviously. And when he came to me with his lecherous little “what’s up” I merely looked at him and said, “Yes?” The fact is, the way I looked on the OUTSIDE seemed one way, but my deameanor was I suppose like Wednesday (or is it Tuesday, I forget) Adams - so incredibly serious. So immediately you could see he was disconcerted, for he did not receive his standard giggle in response to his question, and he slowly showed himself out (of my presence; also he was a bit surprised when he found out I was 12).

Also, when I started wearing hijab and then jilbaab (I was 16 then), people actually thought I looked like a “nun”, which I guess I did in comparison to what everyone around me wore. So you’d think a nun would be quite a feminine character. Yet, even then, something about my mannerism made people not see me that way. Every day I would trudge out to go to the woods behind our school and the headbangers (lol which I was one myself if it only meant listening to heavy metal) would offer me a cigarette and everyday I would politely decline (it became a sort of running joke between us). One time in my aerospace/aviation class (ground school, which was an elective) they had some assembly where half the class of one grade had to leave and the teacher left as well. As the class was mostly boys, I was left alone with a bunch of them, reading and minding my own business. Again, the guys let loose on talk of their girlfriends and everything (lol I think if the average girl, who is often shielded from such talk heard what guys really think of them and how they talk about them, they might not go out with them). And again, after their little bull session they look at me and start getting quiet and uncomfortable and apologize to the “nun”. I shrugged my shoulders and said I didn’t care - I wasn’t their girlfriend (thank god)!

Not only that, if I did have a temporary “friend” in high school, it would be a guy, someone who shared math or political science class with me, etc. and lol you may not believe it, but these were “platonic”. We would talk about the most fascinating (boring to anyone else) academic subjects. And I had no idea HOW to flirt - I simply did not have the capacity (I guess I would consider it “fakeness”, which I despise). I remember some girls teasing me about a guy once and I was so shocked because it never occurred to me the whole guy/girl angle! And it turns out if a guy did “like” me, I cannot even recall - my sister would say “Don’t you remember that guy that would talk to you in Driver’s Ed, etc.” and I would say “Who?” and usually I am quite good at remembering people. I feel somehow I was protected from a lot of fitnah and I’m grateful for that, but at the same time I feel a little freakish.

And you know what, I feel that Islam has freed me. I no longer care about being “feminine” or not - I can relax and just be natural, nor do I see femininity as something necessarily shameful or degrading either. And yet, all these years later, when I have managed to relax and allow myself to be natural, and have even learned how to “lighten up” (you don’t know how many times I got told to do that all my life!) and even learned how to crack a smile, people still see me that way! And I mean Muslim guys, even religious ones (I don’t normally hang out with non-Muslims). One guy who is actually quite strict and religious and is a family friend I remember made some joke to Sas about good looking women or something (I was in the back seat of the car) and I remember thinking, “My god, if it was any other sister, he would not have made that joke!” Even the other day one of Sas’s friends made a very crude remark to me and said, “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said that!” and went on to say he forgot he was speaking to a sister.

You know, I didn’t mind it so much growing up, and I suppose this has some advantages (mainly that you are not focused on as a “girl” and people do not censor themselves around you, etc.) but it’s getting a little annoying now! My husband sometimes tells me the same thing, that he treats me “like a guy” because he respects me lol. But in a way, it also saddens me because in many ways I’m still a little girl - yes, not a FEMININE woman (I had a hard time calling myself a “woman” for so long - I don’t mind girl though because I like children) but a girl just the same. And I guess if the situation were reversed, if people were very dainty and deferent to me, I would also get annoyed, but there must be some kind of balance! I think maybe people are so very fixated on gender, they think “guy or girl” and shove you brutally into one category. But I wonder if the world, once it gets past my external appearance and gets to know me, will always see me as “one of the guys”.

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