Physical abuse, despite what society often presents to us, is quite common in many marriages. There are many reasons for this - first of all, men and women are different and they have different needs. Not only that, they have different ways of trying to fulfill those needs. Also men by their nature tend to be violent. And although I personally think emotional abuse is worse, this piece will only address the physical.

First of all, it is irritating when people who have never dealt with abuse talk about it - what you’re not supposed to tolerate etc. because they are living in an idealistic world. That’s why their absolute dicta about what level of respect or dignity is mandatory for all times and places is basically religion without the divine inspiration. The fact is, physical abuse comes from a myriad of reasons and requires a myriad of choices to remedy it.

The Man’s Side

From the angle of men, you should understand that most men are simply not that emotionally honest. Not only will they not tell a woman what is bothering them, they may not even understand themselves what is bothering them - they just know they are bothered and want to be left alone. And this is one of the roots of the abuse - obviously the woman is not a mind reader, so is completely unnerved by the fact that the man is all of a sudden or “for no reason” behaving in such a cold or hateful manner. And if she persists in asking what the problem is or why he is behaving this way, then woe is her. By the way, most women nowadays will fight back of course, but come on, it’s no contest.

So I think men should take responsibility for this - if you are not honest when something bothers you, you cannot expect others to understand. And while it’s ok if you don’t want to tell a woman what is bothering you (either because you see this as a weakness when you admit your own weaknesses, or because you just don’t know), then you should have the courtesy to say that you don’t want to be bothered for a while. Many men cannot even summon up this level of politeness, which perhaps they see as too effeminate - but I don’t think it’s effeminate but rather is honest and dignified - and so the cycle begins. The stress, pressure, and other issues men deal with just leads to a volatile situation and violence.

The issue of violence in marriage from Islam is often misunderstood. What you should realize is that Islam is not a personal philosophy, and therefore doesn’t take the side of the woman or the side of the man. It is simply a divine blueprint on how to deal with universal issues, and is therefore balanced. It says in the Quran that if a woman is bothering you, the first thing you should do is enjoin her. In other words, what I’m proposing - that indeed you should be honest that there is a problem. Secondly, if she is still bothering you, you should boycott her in bed. This means you have already admonished your woman, telling her up front what the problem is and she is persistent in bothering you. So you simply stay away from her for a while, and cutting off physical relations is effective not only because the woman feels on a physical level (no hugging and kissing and other things which women tend to interpret as intimacy) how upset you are. And for the men, frankly, many of them think they can “have their cake and eat it too” - they continue sleeping with the woman or using her for sex while being upset with her - and this only leads to more confusion and problems. So the third step is to hit her - again, this is after you have honestly told her that she is behaving badly towards you and you have boycotted her and she persists in bothering you. Unfortunately, sometimes this is actually effective on women, no matter how much the modern world tells you that men and women are the same - the sheer emotional aspect that women have (if men tend to be closed, women tend to be too open sometimes) can lead to “hysteria” (a word which interestingly has roots related to femininity) and words are simply not enough. Not only that, the man is seen as well, “a man” in the sense one might say “be a man”, meaning to be responsible and strong etc. Indeed the man is responsible for his family’s welfare and with this responsibility comes respect.

So is this a license for all out physical abuse? Of course not - some say what is allowed is to hit with a toothstick (a small twig used to clean the teeth), but to be honest, most of the men who hit lol they aren’t carrying toothsticks - more likely a TV remote or worse yet, alcohol. I haven’t thoroughly researched that limit (meaning if it’s absolute or not) but I’m just speaking practically here - a Muslim is not allowed to harm other Muslims, and yes, your wife is still a Muslim. So the ones who are breaking bones and seriously hurting a woman, no doubt this is not allowed. Not only that, the Prophet sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam forbade hitting even animals on the face - for they have dignity too, so how much more your wife. And of course, when the Prophet heard that some of the men were beating their wives, he said that those who did so were not the best of people, neither outlawing it in totality, but also indicating that of course this is barbaric and lowly behavior - one who uses fists doesn’t know how to get the job done through communication. Ultimately the “beating” is to calm someone down and is more instructive than a guy just losing his cool and going on a rampage. After the 3 steps, it says that if the woman is not bothering you, you should desist and seek no means against her. Again, it’s not that you are a rage-a-holic who lets fly and feeds your rage and continues on, but there is a problem which you handle in the right way. So men should take heart - for Islam gives you dignity, but does ask that you are strong and not weak. There is a way for everything, even in establishing your male dominance and your respect in your household, and as long as you stick to those limits, the modern world which castrates and bashes men cannot take away your manhood, nor can you give yourself license to degenerate into an unjust oppressor and become trash.

The Woman’s Side

I remember when I was growing up I’d see a talk show where a woman was sitting there crying about how bad a man was to her and the audience members would either berate the woman, wondering what was wrong with her for being such a victim, or giving her some false ego boosts, saying that she was so great and had to drop that loser, etc. And the woman would always tearfully say, “But I love him!” and I remember how much that would make me groan and roll my eyes. The thing is lol, a lot of us women end up in that “white trash” situation we never thought we’d be in. The thing is, love is having a hope in someone and believing in them. And it’s too good to let go after one incident or even several. We keep that hope - that things will change, things will get better if only we are patient, etc. But mostly we are so love-starved that we simply can’t let go of it. And frankly, only you know how much you can take and what’s worth it or not - no one can tell you this, no matter how much people feel disgusted at the victim - they just don’t know what they’re talking about and are smug and self-righteous (”that could never happen to me!”). Rather, YOU need to decide for yourself what is important to you in life.

For some of you, the guy simply won’t be worth it. This is the “easy” situation (and I know it’s never easy). Just leave - pack up your stuff and go make a better life for yourself. The only thing I’m gonna warn you about is that there may not be another “prince” around the corner waiting to rescue you from your bad relationship. Instead, there may simply be another shark waiting to do the same thing to you. You do have to realize some part of the abuse, of you allowing someone else to treat you a certain way, that part is your fault and what you are responsible for tolerating (but no more than that). So if you go, go for yourself.

If the guy is worth it (or seems that way) then it’s just so much more complicated, isn’t it? As I mentioned earlier, you cannot control other people’s behavior, but you are only responsible for how you act or react. If you allow a guy to hit you, then you have to own up to that. And if you feel the relationship is worth it, you should be realistic to yourself - you should say I let him hit me and for what? Figure out what it is you are getting out of the relationship - is it security, is it the feeling of love, is it sex, is it holding onto someone and trying to own them, etc. If you can pinpoint the actual essential thing, then perhaps you can stop being dependent on it. And you should work to improve yourself and make yourself stronger - remember, it’s about you. You can’t help or take care of anyone else unless you take care of yourself first - and if no one else is doing it, you have to be your own hero. If this process gives you some strength and you can leave, congratulations. Because the odds aren’t good - if there’s a guy who’s used to getting his way all the time, well it’s hard to change that - the very reason why it’s hard for you to leave. At the same time, this type of guy behavior is more common than society tells you - so don’t be surprised if the next guy is pretty much the same or only slightly better. Don’t be deluded and buy in to that horribly fantastic ideal every movie is piping at you - that you’re just so beautiful and special any guy would treat you like a queen and do everything you want every time you bat your eyes. Those guys (or slaves is a more appropriate term for a person that selfless) just don’t exist except in books and films. So the guy you’re with might be not that great, but not that bad either, practically speaking. Yah, “there’s other fish in the sea”, but they stink too.

But mostly I hope you women who experience this problem do not let it destroy you or take it too personally - the guy is just not being honest with you or telling you his frustrations - instead he’s building them up and taking them out on you. That’s the first thing you should know - it’s not your fault (unless you continue pushing him after he tells you he’s upset). So, one thing you can try is to distance yourself emotionally - because anyone can tell you (well, unless you were literally run over by a car or hit with a crowbar etc.) that it’s not the hitting, it’s the fact that someone you love is hurting you so badly - that’s what’s so difficult about the situation. So mental strength is key for you - you need to “get a life”; I’m not saying that harshly because I completely sympathize with a woman who gets so wrapped up in a man that he becomes her whole life and obsession. But there is more to life than love - they tell you “all you need is love” and sure, if you have love, it feels that way. But anyone who has had love not work out knows - that it can’t be about that - not everyone is lucky enough to find that - does that make their life meaningless? No way. I won’t tell you anything as cheesy as “all you need is to love yourself” or quote you that Whitney Houston song (lol I remember that was posted in my 6th grade classroom). But you do need to value yourself as an individual and be at peace with who you are. Actually, you know what, all you need is love, if you’re talking not about people but God - because He’s the only One that actually can rescue you and be there for you. When no one else hears you, He does.

Which leads me to my last point. Running away is a temporary solution. Thinking he’s a monster and you’re an angel is the cheap way. When you will know that you are really strong is when you can see that he’s only a human being with some faults that he can’t change (at least not any time soon), that he was no superhuman hero, and that you are only responsible for yourself. If you can be a good wife and do your duties without letting his problems destroy you, good for you. If you can’t, you don’t have to throw away your afterlife for a man. But maybe with some time, you can look at the problems you have and fix them slowly. This is the strong woman in Islam - not a belligerant male basher, not a superficial or self-indulgent person, nor a weak victim, but a strong and pious woman who does her part and apologizes to no one after God.

This entry was posted on Friday, May 9th, 2008 at 12:29 pm and is filed under Marriage. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.