The fact of the matter is that the world we are living in is pervasive with sexuality. Now, don’t get fooled into thinking in the past the world wasn’t pervasive with sexuality - it’s just that there seems to be a cycle in “civilized” societies - they start off at a norm and then simply degenerate into open corruption (classic example being the Roman empire). The societies which ironically don’t follow this pattern are the ones we think of as “uncivilized”, “barbaric”, etc. - the ones which are usually isolated from other communities or preserve a single way of life for long periods of time with very little change.
I know that many people do not understand the relationship between religion and sexuality - many feel religion is devoid of it or only calls towards celibacy, but this is not true. Islam in particular deals very practically with it: sexuality is a part of human life and a natural human desire. However, it is also known that as it is a “desire”, it can overtake a person, to the detriment of their spiritual growth (in general materialism or following one’s desire is the opposite of a person’s self-control and training of the soul). So from a religious viewpoint it is something which is not entirely outlawed but limited - and one who seeks God seeks to control his desires (this is true of everything, by the way, not just sexual desire). From a social point of view, unlimited (meaning not bound by any rules) sexuality is also seen as detrimental to the family unit - causing many problems (this is commonly known to include physical diseases, illegitemate births, infidelity, etc.). So again, there are guidelines.
To be honest, one of the things that is often even offensive to people is Islam’s utter frankness in dealing with sexual issues (again this is not considered “normal” for religion, which usually considers discussing such a topic as taboo or sinful even as a subject, etc.). Islam baldly admits human beings’ sexuality as natural and inherent, no different than our desire to eat or gain wealth. And that is exactly why many of our laws regarding it are so strict (to spin it in a better way “practical”). We do not expect in a society where women dress as provocatively as they can and men are constantly bombarded with images of desire and giving into those desires (usually to sell a product lol) that problems such as infidelity, marital dissatisfaction, or simple irresponsibility will not abound. We do not believe in the utopian dream world many often present, that one can eliminate the element of sexuality from the workplace or other places where sexuality is supposed to be inappropriate. In fact, in today’s culture of all out perversion, the very inappropriateness of it may well serve to make it more appealing!
If we look at modern Western society in particular, we see that sexuality is pretty much all over and very in your face. And as anyone knows, sexuality (like most desires) is like a drug. If you get exposed to a little, it will often increase your tolerance for it until you need more to get the same effect. In Victorian times, the glimpse of a woman’s stocking or legs was enough to drive a man mad, but in our times, let’s just say we’re beyond that. It gets to the point that you need more and more, and when you’ve gone the furthest you think you can, there is always something more perverted, forbidden, or inappropriate to explore around the corner. I actually believe given time, child pornography, incest, and other taboos will become prevalent - they are already common as fantasy themes or allusions. I shudder to raise my children in such a world, but then there are so many unpleasant realities of the world we live in.
Now, the Muslims have their own problems in such a setting. A problem I have with Muslims is that many of them are so extreme when it comes to the truth about sex. Many of them have forgotten Islam’s forthrightness on speaking about all issues in life - you may be accused of immodesty or sin for even mentioning the term. Yet this is not how our Prophet peace be upon him was - he would address the questions of the women regarding this topic frankly and maturely. Once one of his wives was so offended at the other’s asking a question that she exclaimed a reprimand. The Prophet then reprimanded her for this and answered the question clearly.
Obviously, some Muslims have made everything under the sun “ok” when it comes to “modern life” such as dating, etc. but this is so laughable I won’t even address it here - it is not from the religion but from their own desires. If you want to join the party, go ahead - but don’t twist Islam to make it look like God gave you the invitation.
I also want to address the issue of homosexuality. It is forbidden in Islam, as it is in orthodox Judaism and Christianity, but my problem is really how religious people often can’t be balanced in their approach to things. For example, some people will simply hear of someone being gay and be morally offended, and yet we are surrounded by plenty of heterosexual activity, which is also forbidden. Yet some of the Muslims themselves engage in some of this stuff (newsflash - Muslims are human too and fall into the same temptations). I don’t see the need for such exaggerated double standards. What’s wrong is wrong, whether it’s heterosexual or homosexual. And in fact, I have a suspicion that in life, human sexuality is one of the most pliable of things - that so much of how we feel about sexuality is colored by culture, that it is possible to be attracted to well, anyone and anything. I mean, some of what passes for “beauty” in one part of the world is “ugliness” in other parts, etc. And in this modern culture particularly, I can see that lesbianism (girls gone wild type thing) is increasingly accepted for ALL segments of society (ahh, the age-old trend of exploiting women, who are the more attractive sex). So I always find the moral outrage of people who have a problem with Islam for allowing polygamy (as many many religions and cultures have throughout history) ridiculous seeing that their own society is so warped on this issue, claiming on the one hand a utopia of sex-free professionalism or simply going for whatever you can possibly imagine, much of it for commercialism (the ultimate turn-on for capitalists lol). If they don’t want to be judged, they sure as hell shouldn’t be judging.
And sadly, a lot of us can’t admit it, but illegal sexual activity is a HUGE problem amongst the Muslims - of course it’s not as bad as with other groups who have thrown out their religion completely, because most Muslims in the end uphold at least the standards of right and wrong that were revealed to us. Yet, let’s face it, the current youth, and my generation as well, comes across so much temptation constantly there that few of us have not fallen into it. Most parents that I know had no idea their daughters were sneaking off to meet guys or whatever. I know that in Jordan for example (and other places) many of the Muslim youth date simply because they have a hard time getting married. (I personally blame the society which puts such high demands on the terms for marriage that they have made it prohibitively out of reach.) A lot of American Muslim youth fall into it too, simply because it’s there. And of course, pornography, especially internet pornography which is soooo very easy to get or even annoyingly unavoidable at times, is worldwide. All it takes is a few seconds for you to be caught off your guard and you might find yourself “in the mood” for trouble. (These intrusions remind me of that joke about sexual harassment - if you like the guy it’s flattering and if you don’t, then it’s harassment! And man, nothing ticks me off more than watching a movie and unexpectedly they throw a scene into your face that you wish you never saw! If I wanted to see porn, that’s what I’d get!)
I guess it’s foolish to say “never go on the internet” or “don’t talk to any guys, ever” because practically speaking that’s not bound to happen. Yet I think if Muslims were more balanced, as they were at the first stage of Islam - of admitting human beings are sexual beings, and look at temptation as a natural thing to be practically dealt with, we are better off. In some backward societies, a girl isn’t even told what her menstrual cycle is for “modesty”! So imagine if that same girl comes into contact with the lewdness of today’s world (which she most likely will). It has been my experience that the unnatural shaming of the very fact of sexuality often backfires, creating repressive people who are all the more curious/perverted when they finally get exposed to it. I feel sad sometimes - there are very few of us who do not have a problem with this issue nowadays, despite everyone trying to make it look like everyone is so pure. I know of only a few “pure” people in this world (and they tend to be that way regardless of religion - simply endowed with a naturally high sense of modesty).
There is hope, though. If you find sex a huge temptation (as most of us who were raised in a very overtly sexual society do) then realize that it is all the more rewarding for you when you struggle against yourself to control it. Obviously you can try to avoid those places and people who seem to pull you in that direction. But mostly, you can remember Allah and ask Him to help you, for as the hadith says, you must hate what is forbidden in your heart, and that “is the weakest of faith”. And again, while it is no sin to be passionate or have natural desires, if you do fall into sin, you must repent and keep struggling with it.
And lastly, I don’t know what it is about sex - most people just can’t discuss it normally. It seems everyone wants to engage in it but yell “aha!” if they see anyone else engaging in it. People often say that for America it’s the Puritanical streak we’ve inherited (pointing out how Europeans are more natural about it). It’s also again one of the things people find objectionable about Islam - you know the whole 72 virgins thing (which by the way is not reserved for martyrs)? People have a hard time thinking God could reward someone with carnal pleasure in Paradise and find the idea distasteful. Why is it any more distasteful than rewarding you with food or wine? It’s all carnal desires. But see, that’s what makes us human - that we have needs and desires. If you control yourself here, you get rewarded there. Nothing distasteful about it. I just think it’s the same weird treatment of sex people in this society particularly have - the whole love/hate/obsession/guilt thing. Let’s put it this way - Islam’s been around for a long time and no one really had a problem with polygamy or other “sexual issues”, but I think the people who can’t get past them have some “sexual issues” of their own.
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