Romance is a word that is used a lot, but unfortunately, real romance is almost nonexistent in today’s world. Instead, it has become a way for both men and women to get a “quick fix” - an ego boost for the girl, a “get out of jail free/get sex” card for men. The stereotype is now that a “romantic” guy is a wuss, just kissing up to a woman, whereas a “real” man doesn’t need to do this. However, almost every relationship I see has a guy, even the “toughest”, out there at least making some dumb gestures so his freaking wife/girlfriend will get off his back! I am here to change all that - to show you that a “real” man doesn’t do romance because his woman is pestering him and he just doesn’t know what the hell else to do - a real man does romance because he has power over women, not just physically or sexually, but emotionally, where he is in control of himself and can actually force a reaction he wants out of a woman.

I am a shameless romantic (duh I love art and stuff) and I was apalled to see that it is hard to find one damn article on actual, artistic romance out there - there’s more information on how to make a cup of tea or roll a joint! So I decided I’d write my own. I’m not talking about “99 Tips For Valentine’s Day”. Leave all that commercial crap at the door. I am talking about real romance, you know, like chopping your ear off for a girl. The most useful elements of romance which I will write about in this article are: Attitude, Demeanor, and Romantic Elements. Attitude will cover state of mind, demeanor will give you some clues about how to pull it off, and romantic elements will discuss how to mix your own deadly potion. Please note the examples I give are for instuction only and not intended to replace thought and effort on your part. I don’t want to give you guys fish, I want you to learn how to fish. I hope you all find this useful because I feel very passionately about reviving this lost artform!

I. Attitude

A. Philosophy

Romance first and foremost is a state of mind. Unfortunately “romantic” has become a word nowadays to mostly refer to “how a nice man acts towards a woman”, but that’s not the original meaning. It is an attitude towards life. A romantic is the opposite of a realist, and tends to magnify, exaggerate, aggrandize life, feelings, experiences, religion, art, all of that. It is possible to be romantic in your relationship with your parents, your friends, or your children. It is, to put it in plain words, “to make a big deal” out of something.

In general, you guys need to know that you shouldn’t be romantic because you want to get a girl or because your wife’s mad at you. You should be romantic because it’s fun. I know it doesn’t sound like it’s fun, it rather sounds gay or whatever, but that’s probably because you’re too insecure and unsure of yourself. Trust me, if you can be a true romantic, you will feel more like a man, a man who can bring a woman to her knees (keeping her there doesn’t require romance, though, that requires a spine). I’m not saying you should be romantic in all your life and everything you do, that in your spare time you should be going to the opera, but I just mean with women.

So, romance is basically an enjoyment of women. Not just their bodies, but their natures. Let me put this in terms you might understand - food. If you love food, sure you can just chow down - and that’s what a lot of men do with women, but that’s just sexual hunger and not romance. You know those metrosexuals and how they’re always swishing wine and nibbling cheese? It’s sort of like that. Or if that analogy doesn’t appeal to your manhood, it’s like the sports enthusiast obsessing about statistics, players’ merits, etc. versus just showing up for games. So with romance, you take your time, and enjoy everything - that’s a big part of it. Romance brings out the full beauty and delight of your subject.

B. Confidence

Now that you sort of understand how to approach this subject and see that you should want to enjoy your woman, you should get some basic qualities that foster romance. The first is confidence. (By the way, there are exceptions to all these rules, but I am writing this for generally reproducible positive results.) This should come more naturally to you if you understand the mindset I mentioned above - after all, if you’re doing this for yourself, it will come off a lot better than if you’re trying to “impress her” (which I don’t recommend). Do not confuse confidence with machismo or dominance. Yelling at a woman that you want to have dinner with her might be charming the first time, but after that it will just be pushy. So confidence is basically a calm, take-it-or-leave-it attitude. Whatever romantic gesture you’re making, make SURE you do not care if she likes it or not! That’s the irony. If you do, it will come off weak and lose its effect.

For example, say you buy a girl flowers and you’re all nervous and “i hope you like them”, it’s “sweet” but not going to sweep her off her feet. You’ll just be out ten bucks and feel mystified at why she doesn’t think you’re all that. So, make sure YOU are in charge of your own romance. If you give a girl flowers, just give them to her and there’s no need to say anything because you should be doing this if YOU want her to have the flowers. If you do, it’s done. If you don’t, I don’t recommend you waste your money. Don’t thrust them at her, but just confidently give them to her as you would give her a glass of water. She’ll either love them or not - but guess what - you don’t care - you just wanted to give this girl you like some flowers! Even silence, if confident, is more effective than words which are not.

C. Emotion

This is the general crux of romance. To be romantic is to be carried away with feeling. Most of you guys, however, will probably find it very hard to express your feelings directly. So what’s great about romance is it’s a way to EXPRESS those feelings, without even saying a word. Words, of course, can be very nice, especially if you are open, specific, or creative. But it can be done in many ways - words, writing, gifts, activities, etc. Some subtopics I have chosen to focus on to help make this area of emotions, which is baffling to most men, more understandable, are: Expression, Honesty, and Details.

i. Expression

The first step is to get in touch with your POSITIVE feelings and express them. Most guys are quite specific when they’re mad at their wives/girlfriends. They can very easily point out the woman’s flaws, pinpoint with exact detail how she is annoying and what is driving them crazy, and are often “artistic” and “passionate” in their delivery (yelling, saying things with utter conviction and force). Yet when it comes to positive things, it’s much harder. So the first step is just when you feel/think something positive about your wife, let it out. Unfortunately, too many guys express negative feelings but keep positive ones bottled up inside.

This part is more of a general exercise and doesn’t have to be wildly romantic - if you admire your woman’s intelligence on getting good marks in a course, congratulate her. If your wife is a great mother, mention that. This is just to get you in the habit of expressing good feelings as they come and you can start with more “neutral”, visible things before you jump into “how you feel about her”. As you progress, you should know it is absolutely essential for you to tell your wife good things and not assume “she must know”. If you feel your wife has done so much for you and you’re grateful for that, do something which would convey that to her.

Here are some common forms of expression - use them; if you can’t do one, do another, but just do it!

1. Speech
2. Writing
3. Gifts
4. Activities
5. Sacrifice, etc.

ii. Honesty

The best way to express yourself is honesty. Don’t say “You’re the most beautiful woman in the world” if you don’t think your wife is. The reason I say this is because men SUCK at lying. Women are very subtle, and if you say something untrue, you’ll pay for it later: cross-examination, injunctions to “prove” your veracity, the whole works. So be honest and save yourself some confusion. The adage “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all” is a good one. There is always something nice and truthful you can say to your wife. Saying “You are one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen” or “You are so beautiful to me” is good if you’re not married to a supermodel. Please remember, if a woman asks you something like “Am I fat?”, she’s just looking for reassurance so just say “I think you look great/fine” or “Well, I liked it when you were thinner - you were hot! I wish you were like that again/I miss those days” is a way of focusing on what is POSITIVE while being honest. Bottom line is if you use this combination of positive honesty, you will give her the security of knowing you always love her while encouraging her to be active and improve herself. Believe me, if she did get in shape and you didn’t appreciate it, she’d be mad - like what was the point of all the hard work? If you keep being honest, she will trust your compliments because they’ll always be true. She’ll know if you say, “Damn, you look good” that you mean it, and she will be more pleased with your comments than if she suspects you just put her on a lot.

iii. Details

So, first of all, make sure to express yourself - secondly, be positive but honest, and thirdly - be specific. Saying “You look nice” is good. “Your hair looks great” is better. “I love the color of your hair” is even better. When you’re specific, you show her that you notice her, that she is special enough to look at up close, and your positive honesty is more and more believable. With details, she’ll have to believe you.

II. Demeanor

A. Eye Contact

Next, eye contact. Most guys again, are in this mindset that they HATE romance, that they HAVE to do it to like “cater” to some woman, and spend their time and money doing stuff it’s clear they don’t care to do! Instead, do it because you want to, so you can enjoy making someone you love happy, and with your own style and confidence. Having said that, to use the flower example - many guys sort of hand this girl flowers, make a lame comment, and don’t dare to look up. This is completely dismissable to a girl. No, you’re this man, and you want this woman to wilt in front of you, so give her the flowers just because you like her, and when you hand them to her, just look her straight in the eye WITHOUT waiting to see IF she’s happy or not. Smile if you want. If you can meet her gaze, you’ve probably just melted her heart or at least flattered the hell out of her.

B. Focus

Remember that romance is about you and her. So, the more of “yourself” you are in your expressions, the more genuine and more valuable it is. You might think “she wants me to turn into some Romeo” but that’s not true. She wants you, only better. So use what makes you unique in your expressions to her. If you are an accountant, you might not think of something to do with your job, but you could use the fact that you’re meticulous to construct something she’ll love. If you’re a photographer, take a great picture of her and keep it with you or put it somewhere you can both enjoy it.

Also keeping in mind that it’s about her, anything you do having to do with her will be superior. Including her in the romantic gesture will only improve it. It’s like you’re celebrating how great she is or paying her tribute. If you write her a note, don’t throw it at her or give it to her mumbling something under your breath. Place it somewhere she is bound to see it and know it is “hers” - her pillow or in a book she is reading. Don’t put it on the fridge where the kids can get it - remember, you are doing this is FOR HER. She’ll feel special this way. In the end, you just want her to feel that you are focusing on her for a while.

III. Romantic Elements

There are many different types of romance with subtle variations of feeling. A master of romance would know which elements to combine to get the exact reaction he wants from the woman. The following are some of the core elements of romance.

A. Creativity

Creativity is a way to achieve wild, storybook style romance. Remember, you are enjoying this girl, but also putting her under your spell and sort of creating this magical world which enchants her. Instead of picking flowers and handing them to her, pick them, weave them into a bracelet, and tie them around her arm. The more elements of imagination you add, the more enjoyable and fantastic the experience.

B. Elegance

Elegance tends to make a woman feel “like a woman” and casts you as a sort of manly, powerful person. Elegance adds the dimension of making her feel special or prized (appreciated). Yes, money often helps with this, but if you don’t have much, demeanor can overcome that. Taking care to look nice and having very refined manners will make a man elegant. Instead of saying, “you wanna grab some lunch” you should actually make a formal invitation to her to go to dinner with you this weekend. Be a little more formal instead of casual, and don’t forget the confidence!

C. Surprise

Surprise is a way to achieve a sort of excited, friendly feeling and it’s easy if you avoid what is “obvious” (it wouldn’t be a surprise, then, would it?). Surprise is probably one of the EASIEST ways for a guy to spice things up with a girl or just make her happy. Show up someplace she doesn’t expect you is one of the best because she feels flattered that you went out of your way to see her.

* A Warning About Gifts and Cliches

Let’s face it - most guys don’t know what else to do, so just buy off the girl and figure she’ll be so happy, they’ll never have problems again. Not true - remember the saying “it’s the thought that counts”? Your job is to make sure that more than the gift, the THOUGHT is expressed. Since guys resort so much to spending money on a woman, they are often confused when the woman shows no register of this as a “romantic” thing. For many women, if you buy them stuff, it will simply be a “nice” thing, whereby they got something cool. The irony is that by trying to AVOID feelings, many guys resort to buying tricks where it’s almost always HARDER for a woman to see that it’s about the feelings, not the stuff! It’s like adding an extra layer of complication and they end up wasting time and money. So how do you make sure you get “credit” for your gifts?

The fact is, if romantically done, a candy bar can be more effective at deeply affecting a woman than a diamond ring without the romantic attitude. If you give her something (and I personally believe buying something is usually the more amateur way), it should represent those feelings or show her that you know something about her and admire her for it. If you know your wife loves nature, give her a bunch of natural flowers. Again, it should be clear it’s not “just a bunch a flowers”, but something meaningful, so instead of cheesy lines like “sweets for the sweet” and other cliches like “you’re as perty as these flowers!”, you can simply tell her “I know you love nature, so I wanted to bring you a piece of it”. But it’s all in the attitude - the cheesy line will work better than an original one if done right. If you know she’s nuts about cars, buy her one - or a model of one. But again, you can spend a million bucks and buy her a real car and it’ll almost all go down the drain (ok, initially she’ll be freaked and jump up and down and give you a hug maybe and perhaps a few days of gratitude) if your attitude is like “I bought you a car, now what will you give me?” Your gifts should be selfless and expressive.

* Warning About Shy/Insecure Girls

Just be warned that even though your lady may WANT romance, when you try to give it to her, she may become embarassed. You see, some girls, even if they crave it, when the moment arrives, don’t know how to handle it. They might be really insecure or lack the confidence to look right back at you, smile, and accept this nice thing. Instead, she might sort of look away or pass off what you just did as “not a big deal” and pretend you just did something casual instead of amazing. Yes, girls play the casual card to hide their feelings too! So if that happens, you MUST grab hold of her face and make her look at you - just say again, “I love you” - push it onto her, make yourself undeniable. You can let her go after a second, but at least she didn’t get away with pushing you off and minimizing your deeds.

Farethewell

Well, that’s my basic attempt to try and put into words what this complicated subject is, to give you some insight into it. The irony is most guys who are “romantic” don’t need a tutorial and the ones that do are probably in a relationship where the “romance” can be superficial imitation. I just felt bad for anyone who really wanted to look at this for real. I mean, I could sit and give lots of “tips”, but there are plenty of mediocre sites out there to do that. The trouble with those is they never address where romance springs from, and only give empty actions for people to mimic, thereby resulting in manufactured, Hallmark-made-for-television style imitations of romance or frustrate guys who try them and think “what the hell happened?”. Once you sort of grasp the intentions and essentials of romance, it’s up to you to do it once in a while in YOUR OWN WAY. Remember, romance is a wonderful part of life and worth taking time out for once in a while (sorry guys, once in a lifetime is not enough lol). Embrace it and enjoy!

This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 11th, 2007 at 5:42 pm and is filed under Marriage. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.