“I’m so happy cuz today I found my friends - they’re in my head.” - Nirvana, Lithium

I grew up very isolated. Not only was I a generally weird person - too open, too openhearted, too naive, too socially awkward - but my parents were very protective of me. Although I went to school and my family did know and mix with some other families, there was no consistent social life. I was barely allowed outside the house, especially on my own, to meet anyone or do anything. So I spent the majority of my time alone. Well, I read somewhere that if a child has an imaginary friend, it’s because they are trying to fill a void in their life, and that if they get real friends, the imaginary ones will go away. Conversely, if someone is alone a lot, they end up constructing an entire world for themselves, with everything they need, including companionship. So yah, I had imaginary friends.

 Basically I craved “intelligent conversation” (like Holden) so if I met anyone smart or interesting, they went into my “collection”. Mostly it was dead people - authors and philosophers and such, but also musicians, filmmakers, world leaders, etc. It was just so cool talking to anyone at any time. Albeit, I realized it was merely my own mental reflections of what that person might be like and merely a pleasant diversion for myself. In fact, I had very little interest in what the person was actually like - I might read an interesting article once in a while as fodder to feed the fantasy, but I didn’t care to pursue and seek out any personal details of anyone (except maybe if they were dead, as simple biography). Sometimes if I found I was in error in judgement about someone, I might even ignore reality for my own version. After all, they were my own companions, concocted for my own purposes.

I didn’t really think anything of it at the time, but once in a while I’d think to myself, “My God, I am crazy!” And of course I felt like a loser. When I got married for the first time, I figured, there was no way I could keep my imaginary friends. I mean, if you live so intimately with someone, you can’t very well indulge in such a fantasy life, can you? Well, it turned out that although I did live with someone, we were worlds apart mentally. There was a barrier of formality between us. At one point I thought perhaps I had even sabotaged my own life by imagining so much - after all, what human being could really compete with the amazing figures of your choice? But now I know it did not cause the distance in my marriage but rather was a continuation of the coping (with lonliness and boredom) I practiced in my youth. But finally, after I married my current husband, sure enough, the imaginary friends disappeared. For the first time in my life, I was actually in contact with a real person that I liked enough to prefer to imagination!

Don’t get me wrong - in some ways, I believe being so isolated helped me in many ways, just as a child who has very few toys will just push their own creative limits and find ways to amuse themselves. For one thing,  it made me very independent and a self-sufficient child. You could put me anywhere, and I could quietly amuse myself. It also gave me a lot of time to think about things - so I gravitated towards philosophy, arts, and religion. Most of us talk to God, but I think I did it a lot more than your average American kid. And at this point in my life, I no longer think of it as “crazy” - I just think most people act like they are not “losers” and never resort to imagination to fill a need in their lives. I think it’s just a conspiratorial secret in our society since there is such a stigma attached to it. And although I no longer need it, I do look back and see that I had some of the most magical, exciting, adventurous experiences ever. So don’t worry - I won’t judge you if you have the guts to admit that you do it too. :) 

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 28th, 2007 at 12:55 am and is filed under Insanity. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.