The first thing you can do for your child as a mother is not underestimate her. Children, like the humans they are, are perfectly able to adapt to most environments. Therefore, it is incumbent for mothers, who are the first and most available instructors for their babies, to realize their incredible potential. Whatever you want for your child, you should begin as soon as conception is achieved.

The first quality you must have as a mother raising a human being in this horribly challenging world is honesty. Obviously, you should currently be what you hope your child will one day be. But let’s face it, most mothers’ love and expectations exceed their own charactars. You want your child to have a better life than you in every way. Thus, although it is prudent to refrain from exhibiting most of your flaws from your child, do not create a false myth about yourself that will only crumble and disillusion them later. Doing so will only create a recipe for rebellion against your hypocrisy and much worse, possibly against everything you stand for. Be a real person. Be human - not too human for God’s sake - do not go to the other extreme of displaying all your weakness. Just human enough to be an effective role model.

Secondly, always tell the truth. Never lie to your children. They are going to live in the ”real” world one day, and they should learn to deal with the realities of life as soon as possible. Many Muslim mothers are extremely ashamed or sketchy when it comes to discussing certain topics, particularly those considered sinful. Many people fear if they even discuss topics with their children they will “get ideas”. The fact is, the best Muslims came from a society of complete ignorance and corruption. They chose to be Muslim - that is what made them strong.

 A woman (who incidentally didn’t have children) was shocked to hear me mention that I frankly answered any questions my children asked me, even ones about sex (my children had not even reached puberty at this point). She thought they would turn out “immodest”. Do not misunderstand me - I am not saying you should swap sex stories with your kids in an effort to bond with them. I am simply saying that if they ask where babies come from, for example, you don’t say it was the stork. Sex was frankly and maturely discussed throughout Islamic history - people did not lie to protect “modesty” (which is not synonymous with “ignorance”). 

I remember being raised with the typical Desi mentality that sex was a “disgusting” and “horrible” thing. Imagine my surprise when I found out everyone, even our elders and the righteous people engaged in it! It blew my mind. Not only that, such a repressive mentality often gets children who hit puberty to simply become ten times more fascinated by something that is merely normal. In today’s world, unless you literally plan to live in a cave, your child will get the information he wants. You do not want your children to be extreme in this matter - neither painfully repressed nor uncontrollably depraved. They should be allowed normal desires but be aware enough of themselves and stronge enough to control them as they choose. They should actually be happy on their wedding day, but they should not be completely incapable of self-control. 

So what I am saying is answer questions in a “scientific” manner, without any dramatizations or associations. Of course, the amount of information you give will be appropriate to their level of understanding. A simple answer to a 3 year old would be “from a father and a mother”. A 7 year old who has studied rudimentary biology and learned that most things come in male and female could understand that when a male and a female mate, it creates offspring. Also of course, you do not have to give an entire lecture on the sexual process if all your child asked was “Did the baby come out of your stomach”? You’d be surprised how cyclical children’s minds can be. Sometimes they are quite satisfied with the short answer and will come back to the topic as they are ready to piece together all their various bits of knowledge of the world.

This honesty thing is crucial for intellectual, emotional, even moral reasons. Children are very instinctive, and they sense unease, discomfort, or evasion - they may not be able to TELL you this - it’s just an unconscious feeling they will get which could resurface later. Therefore, earn your child’s trust now. Your children should know they can ALWAYS ask their mother anything in the universe and she will ALWAYS give them a fair answer, or provide it for them. To do this, though many of us mothers need to come to terms with the truth ourselves. :) After all, we teach our children that lying is a sin as well. In fact, to a Muslim the Truth is the most important thing in life.

So if a child asks why people do drugs, trying to pretend that you have no idea since it’s such an “unpleasant experience” will only cause them resentment when they learn that the reason people do it is simply BECAUSE it is pleasurable. So tell the truth - it is pleasurable, and there are many possible side effects and consequences, not to mention it is forbidden in Islam. You will not be able to follow your child around forever, making sure she makes the “right” choices. You just have to make damn sure you did everything in your ability to make sure she is strong enough to do it herself. 

And finally, do not worry if your child does see some faults in you - you are not God nor a prophet - just their mother. So if they see that you have commited some sin, you should admit to them that you have commited a sin for which you are ashamed, and that you need to repent. They should see the whole process of trying their best to be a good person in this life. If they do not, they may never be able to recover when they themselves fall into the inevitable sin which accompanies humankind. They should see their life as a series of choices, for which they will be responsible.

And by the way, I am happy to say that alhamdulillaah, my children, now a few years older and about to enter into puberty, are quite modest, intellectually aware, and emotionally mature, and have no overly zealous fascinations with anything, except maybe candy and books. 

This entry was posted on Sunday, October 28th, 2007 at 11:21 am and is filed under Motherhood. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.