Leave Your Husband
Virginia Woolf said that it is necessary for a woman to have a room of her own in order to write (or something remarkably similar). I completely agree. Women tend to be the clingy ones and husbands tend to leave and want personal space or alone time. But every woman should save a bit of her true, independent self for herself and should have a room (or at least a view) of her own.
I do realize that I am one of the fortunate ones who was granted the blessing of love. But I can honestly say it has been one of the hardest trials in my life. Before love, I had very little material desire. I wasn’t into clothes or looks or anything like that. I believed in having very little attachment to the world and would routinely give away or throw out any connection to the past. After I met my husband, I really surprised myself by getting extremely sentimental about him and holding onto him in whatever way I could.
And I fell so deep in love, I really felt like I lost myself. IÂ became a junkie always looking to get high and caring about nothing else. I felt distant from everyone else, including Allah. And this level of attachment made the times of turmoil and conflict excruciatingly painful. I have always been “suicidal” in the sense that I felt like dying or thought about it, but I had never actually tried it until I experienced love and the extremities of intense emotion that accompany it. In fact, up until I got married, I had gotten to a place where I was self-reliant and was perfectly fine with myself. I mean, I wasn’t much, but I was fine with that and whatever shortcomings I had which made me who I was. After marriage, my flaws seemed magnified to myself and I cared so much what my loved one thought of me. I was shocked to find I could actually be insecure, or even self-conscious! Me, who had always been heedless of the opinions of society!
Anyway, I did not choose to spend a second away from my husband, but life forced us to spend time away, little by little: minutes, hours, days, weeks. And now, I have been away from my husband for about two months, the longest we have been apart, and it turns out that instead of the dread and fear I initially felt at the thought of the separation, IÂ feel grateful. IÂ have started to remember how I was when I was single and independent, and the best thing is I feel that whatever barrier of worldy desire had been between me and Allah has been removed. It’s like, despite my will, my fingers have been pried open and I have been forced to let go of what I was holding onto so tightly.
Often throughout my life I felt sort of cursed, that I could not really get along with people - family, peers, etc. and was alone and friendless. But I also felt (perhaps delusionally so) that maybe I was only meant to be with Allah. After I found love, I marvelled that what seemed so perfect was actually so tainted because not only did it have very painful associations (along with any redeeming bliss), it was the biggest temptation and trial for me spiritually. I basically got what I wanted, and you know what they say about that.
Once in a while, in a fit of spiritual passion, I would say, “Let’s just get divorced, right now and never look back.” We both knew we’d probably be better off apart. But I suppose it’s one of those things where it’s easy to withdraw from the world and be pure but difficult to stay in it and keep struggling.
And now, it’s almost time for me to go back and I am scared - scared of entering the prison of marriage again and being tied up emotionally, scared of having my connection with Allah distracted and distored again. And a part of me wonders, despite the fact that I love my husband more than anything in this world, what would happen if we just didn’t meet up again until the Hereafter?
So I would encourage every woman to leave her husband for a bit if she has the chance (and psychologically, leaving is a completely different experience than being left behind). If you cannot physically leave, at least make a place for yourself. Get a room, or at least a view.
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October 2nd, 2007 at 2:34 pm
You seriously need tasawwuf sister. Ghafar Allahu Lak!
October 3rd, 2007 at 7:33 am
well, everyone needs tasawwuf - and although i don’t think you understood the post itself, jazaakallaahu khayran for your prayer
October 25th, 2007 at 1:42 pm
May Allah make your affairs easy, ameen.
November 1st, 2007 at 12:15 pm
Today out of nowhere, I remembered that way back you had started to write something on unification theory so I decided to give it a look but somehow I got landed here. I really don’t see whats more than meets the eye nor am I going to inquire into it for obvious reasons, but I’ll suffice to say that may Allah set your and your family’s affairs straight, both here and hereafter. Ameen.
November 2nd, 2007 at 9:38 am
jazaakkallaahumaa khayran hearts and brickwall - i hope i’m not being misunderstood (just getting the feeling based on a trend in all the comments) - alhamdulillaah i’m not planning to actually leave my husband (there would never be a reason for me to leave since i have no interest in anyone after him, ever) - i meant it more like a spiritual thing - it was more about personal character and independence - i’m discussing the sort of crisis any woman finds herself in when she has sort of “lost herself” in her marriage and needs to find herself again; it’s a warning against the trend that women have of giving everything they have and then being drained - it’s a recommendation to save a little bit of yourself or you’ll have nothing left (by the way, this could apply to men as well, but is much more common in women - like i said, i thought it could never happen to me, but it did) - but thanks for caring (hmm, it would be interesting to see comments from women…)
November 11th, 2007 at 3:29 pm
asalamu alaikum sis
I totally get what you are saying. SubhanAllah. I love my husband to death…and people still call me the ‘obsessed wife’ who constantly talks about her husband. But ever since he has been imprisoned, I discovered myself all over again..
When he was home, all my day and thoughts would really revolve around him. Every morning..what should I make for him, how should I dress, how should I get his attention..what should I do with him etc etc. I reached a point where I went from being someone who was keen in not even missing nawafil acts to someone who would struggle to continue doing fard. He was attached to me as well, more than most husbands but in the end of the day, he was still a guy, and wasn’t attached ‘enough’ and this would cause my whole day to be ruined and whatnot
Now I have been living alone for the past year and a half. And no doubt it has been very painful. I miss him so much. I talk to him an hour or so everyday and that keeps me calm.nothing can fill the space he’s felt. But the benefit i’ve seen is that i’ve learned so much about myself. I’ve learned that i can actually be something without a man being with me. I can have goals and achieve. My eeman and my ibadah has improved and its like at the end of day nothing matters but Allah but its hard to reach this understanding when you are running after a human being and becoming ‘his slave’ and never thinking about your own self and believe that you are someone only because your husband loves you…
November 11th, 2007 at 6:24 pm
walaikissalaam wa rahmatullaah,
wow, you are the first person to get what i’m saying! (at least who commented, and mashallah, your words were eloquent, evocative, exact) - again i think it’s just cuz you’re a girl - it’s so different for us, isn’t it? lol
man, it must be so hard - i think of your situation some times - i can’t imagine really - may allaah grant you even more strength and all the best in jannah for your patience and perseverence in this trial
but i am so happy to hear the positive side too! which again, most of us women wouldn’t choose to be separated from our husbands, but there is a sort of unexpected blessing in that sense of independence, right? :) alhamdulillaah
love you for allaah’s sake - wassalaamu ‘alaik, wa rahmatullaahi, wa barakaatuh
November 16th, 2007 at 7:51 pm
love you sisters
February 14th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
nice! its always good to take eaither a mental or physical retreat from that crazy world that you creat with your loved one. its funny to read this and to think about how my wife and i act and the things we say to eachother ha ha
i’m not a women but its nice to be reminded to give my wife a break so that she can get her head stright and think about her self and her spirituality cause i know i drive her crazy
thanks sister and salam to you and your family
May 16th, 2008 at 4:02 am
Assalamu alaikum Fatimahey
I read you initial post and I think I understand. I married young, to someone I had known since I was a child. We were very much in love but the mistake I made was devoted everything I had to my husband, to the point that he abused this and I was left feeling like a nobody. Our marriage lasted 10 years and I’ve never remarried, mainly to save me from myself, because I know I will probably do the same thing again . . . lose myself in my marriage. Children, however much they are loved, also make great demands on a mother’s life, however old they are.
Before I go further, I am relatively new to my Faith in Islam (a very long story) but it is my understanding that marriage is encouraged so that a couple may grow in their faith together, nurture each other and also one’s children.
I value time on my own, away from my family because it is a time to reflect and feel I am a person in my own right, with my own relationship with Allah. I find short weekend breaks alone somewhere are valuable. One can have a temporary feeling of being able to make even simple decisions, without having to discuss it with anyone. These breaks can be in peaceful places or bustling cities, it doesn’t matter because the real peace is inside us.
btw I came to this site because I tried to pm you on IN. I joined yesterday and tried to post an introduction to myself , but it rejected it. Is there a time lapse before I can post or pm? Perhaps you can email me.
Thank you for your time :)
May 16th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
walaikum assalaam,
funny, i just replied to your post on IN :) (btw pm’ing is disabled on the forums)
feel free to email me at fatimahye@islamicnetwork.com (it might take a few days for me to reply, but welcome)