Can’t Help Killing Yourself?
I have thought about killing myself off and on from when I was a teenager. I’ve been severely depressive since I can remember. I’ve been told I should be on anti-depressants. I know it sounds dumb, but I hate medicine - I won’t even take a Tyelonol most days. Also I tried it once and it dulls you till you don’t care about anything in life - sure, you don’t want to kill yourself but you don’t exactly want to be alive or care if you are.
Everyone thinks it’s something they can “talk” you out of, but it’s not true. At that point it is so heavy of an emotion, that it blocks thought. For example, if someone has a phobia of spiders, you can tell them that “it’s harmless, it can’t hurt you” but even if they know that in their brain, they can’t get their body/feelings/nerves to comply.
The one thing that is helpful, though, is the love and care of someone you want. If you don’t want them, it’s actually annoying and can irritate you to the point you want to kill everyone else too. But what if that doesn’t happen? What if you have no one like that? Well, then you’re screwed unless you can build up your emaan and be strong.
I know a believer never gives up hope and I know it is forbidden. Yet at that moment, even though you know “inna ma’al ‘usri yusraa” - you can’t for the life of you hold onto it. It’s something you can totally believe and remind others with when you’re not feeling that way lol. And of course, afterwards, you can wipe your forehead and say “yup that’s so true”. But at that moment? You draw a total blank - it’s like you’re drowning in a sea of blackness and you have no straw to grasp and you are just panicking and flailing around but not doing anything rational or positive.
And the worst is that you are so desperate you think - maybe Allah will forgive me if I really can’t take it. I know that is a trick of the Shaitaan, his feeble little straw which he holds out to you. Or you pray to Allah, please let me die.
I have actually “killed” myself before - I took the pills. But I was saved, not by any person, and not even myself, astaghfirullaah. But it just happened - my body vomited them up in a spew of blackness (literally).
It’s not that I don’t try - I really do try to be patient, make du’aa, etc.
But really only Allah can save you in the end.
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October 6th, 2006 at 7:07 pm
Since I am way to depressed right now, your post sort of justifies suicide lol. no dont panick! im not about to kill myself (yet). I totally understand what you mean, but i think even in the deepest most darkest moments ofy life, the ONLY thing that stops me from doing something silly, is the fear of Hell. Alhamdulillaah for Imaan, man, if i wasnt a muslimah i would most likely be dead by now.
October 8th, 2006 at 10:30 pm
As-salaamu ‘alaykum,
Sister, the reason you are in such a state because your heart is darkened and devoid of the sweetness of emaan. You must bring it back up by following the Qur’an and Sunnah, commanding the good and forbidding the evil from your life. The thoughts of suicide are of but whisperings from shaytaan. Suicide is for the weak and the hopeless. You must understand that our struggles are nothing compared to our brothers and sisters suffering in Palestine, Iraq, Afghanistan, Somalia, Chechnya, Kashmir, the Phillipines, Uyghuristan, and all around the world. If they never thought about doing suicide, then how can we think about it for our problems that pale in comparison to theirs’? Think of the sisters in Bosnia and Albania whose honour was violated. They were raped by Serb soldiers. When they were pregnant, the Serb soldiers would slice her stomach open and kill the baby then burn her alive. Think of people that our brothers who are imprisoned and being tortured and murdered in the worst way imaginable. We have to stop feeling sorry about ourselves and remember that what we are going through does not compare at all to what others are going through. Have sabr my sister and forget the past. Do not worry about the future. Be content with whatever Allah (s.w.t) has given you. I pray that you heed my advice, sister. May Allah (s.w.t) cure your heart and make you a strong and steadfast believer. Ameen.
Was-salaam.
October 8th, 2006 at 10:34 pm
The Messenger of Allah sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam said, “Strange is the affair of the Mu’min (the believer), verily all his affairs are good for him. If something pleasing befalls him he thanks (Allah) and it becomes better for him. And if something harmful befalls him he is patient (Saabir) and it becomes better for him. And this is only for the Mu’mmin.â€
Umm Salamah narrates: I heard the Messenger of Allah sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam say, “Any Muslim that says when a calamity befalls him that which Allah commanded him: To Allah we belong and to him we return. O Allah reward me in this calamity and give me better then it – (any Muslim that says this) Allah will grant him better than (that which he lost).†[Muslim]
O you who believe! Seek Help in Patience and Salaah. Truly, Allah is with those that are patient. [Qur'an 2:153]
And We made from among them leaders, giving guidance under Our Command, when they were patient. [Qur'an 32:24]
Who, when afflicted with calamity say, “Truly, to Allah we belong and truly, to Him we shall return.†They are those on whom the Salawat (the blessing and forgiveness) of their Lord is upon them, and who shall receive His Mercy, and it is they who are the guided ones [Qur'an 2:157]
The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no-one who is afflicted by distress and grief, and says: ‘Allaahumma inni ‘abduka ibn ‘abdika ibn amatija naasyati bi yadika, maada fiyya hukmuka, ‘adlun fiyya qadaa’uka. As’aluka bi kulli ismin huwa laka sammayta bihi nafsaka aw anzaltahu fi kitaabika aw ‘allamtahu ahadan min khalqika aw ista’tharta bihi fi ‘ilm il-ghayb ‘indaka an taj’al al-Qur’aana rabee’ qalbi wa noor sadri wa jalaa’ huzni wa dhihaab hammi (O Allaah, I am Your slave, son of Your slave, son of Your maidservant; my forelock is in Your hand, Your command over me is forever executed and Your decree over me is just. I ask You by every name belonging to You which You have named Yourself with, or revealed in Your Book, or You taught to any of Your creation, or You have preserved in the knowledge of the Unseen with You, that You make the Qur’aan the life of my heart and the light of my breast, and a departure for my sorrow and a release for my anxiety),’ but Allaah will take away his distress and grief, and replace it with joy.†(Narrated by Imaam Ahmad, 3704; it is a saheeh hadeeth).
October 8th, 2006 at 10:39 pm
Weakness of Faith
http://www.islam-qa.com/index.php?pg=article&ln=eng&article_id=6
Dealing With Worries And Stress
http://www.islam-qa.com/index.php?pg=article&ln=eng&article_id=12
I Want To Repent, But…
http://www.islam-qa.com/index.php?pg=article&ln=eng&article_id=23
Problems and Solutions
http://www.islam-qa.com/index.php?pg=article&ln=eng&article_id=19
Means of Steadfastness: Standing Firm in Islam
http://www.islam-qa.com/index.php?pg=article&ln=eng&article_id=27
October 9th, 2006 at 8:34 am
SubhanAllah, you took words out of my mouth.
Sometimes when I’m so low, I can’t see that relief coming. Sometimes I just want to die just so I can put myself out of that misery. But as mariya said, fear of Hell enters through your heart, so you realize there’s nothing you can do except accept what Allah has written for you and bear it
But that feeling of your heart being constrained and squeezed. Or that feeling of so much grief, that you can’t even stand. Or that feeling of complete hopelessness can really bring you down to your lowest point.
And sometimes whats worse is that you think you have been tested cuz you weren’t meant to go to Jannah, and you were meant to fail this test. I know it’s from shaytan, but sometimes these thought can enter your mind out of nowhere. And the only thing that saves me from drowning in these thoughts and fears is Al-Quran…
October 10th, 2006 at 12:32 pm
Assalaamu Aleykum sister.
do u think its a good idea to talk about ur past and something scary as this. as sister mariya said maybe ur helping someone who needs the last push to commit suicide?
u always have Allaah, He will never abandon u like when ibraheem as left his son n wife.. she asked him , is this a command from Allaah? and when he said yes, she said fine Allaah will never abandon us.
ive never experiences these feelings alhamdulillaah and i hope i never will but maybe it comes from sins or if we despair from Allaahs rahmah.
Always remember this dunya is temporary, so whatever make u depressed will one day stop. imagine how depressed we would be in our graves when we realise how much we wasted!! so instead we should work for our akhira and try to avoid what will give us these feelings. and this advice is for me first n foremost.
May Allaah make it easy on u sisters.
ramadan mubarak
October 10th, 2006 at 12:34 pm
btw is that u on that pic.. mashaAllah its beautiful
October 11th, 2006 at 3:45 pm
sis yoshitsune - jazakyllaahu khayran for all the info but it’s out there for anyone and i think you kind of missed my point in my post (but it’s ok i already knew that would happen if i wrote about this)
umm salamah - one could argue it would push people to do it, but it could also be argued if you know you’re not alone, it’s some comfort (obviously i follow the latter view although i agree we should avoid making serious things commonplace)
October 12th, 2006 at 2:30 pm
I just wanted to tell you I read your post a few days ago and it really struck me. Very honest, and I found it, in some strange way, uplifting. Jazakellah khair.
October 12th, 2006 at 6:43 pm
I’ve been there. And you’re right…no one saves you. Somehow, through the mercy of Allah, you’re saved and it renews hope that if He pulls us out of that seemingly absolute darkness then maybe the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t so far away.
October 12th, 2006 at 10:01 pm
my apologies - someone had a link about their cousin’s depression or something and i thought it was a dead link and erased it by mistake - feel free to repost
(btw i delete posts which are irrelevant to the thread, are just banter between commenters, or just personal attacks like “i don’t like you etc.” but not if you disagree with me/advise me - jazaakumullaahu khayran for your contributions)
October 13th, 2006 at 11:18 am
i like you ;)
October 18th, 2006 at 6:05 pm
Sister, no need to apologize. I would have reposted it right away, but I felt somehow that reposting would somehow be an imposition. If you still wish to look at it, here is the link again to
Condensing Pain into Numbers
October 20th, 2006 at 5:27 am
I feel you sis (fatima), I like you :D (don’t worry im a sis).
November 19th, 2006 at 5:05 pm
as salaamu alaykum, I read your post and I relate to it completely. I know exactly what you mean. I am going through the same thing and I don’t know what to do.
Can I add you to my MSN contacts or just have an email conversation with you? I am very low at the moment and have no one to talk to.
Sounds pathetic I know.
W alaykum as salaam farzana.amehd@hotmail.com
November 19th, 2006 at 5:42 pm
wa ‘alaikum assalaam wa rahmatullaah
i wouldn’t recommend anyone publishing their contact info - i get a lot of spam and hate mail (your choice, just letting you know what might happen)
but anyone who wants to contact me can do so at:
fatimahye@islamicnetwork.com
(sorry i don’t do msn except with my husband who is impossible to get a hold of)
i can’t guarantee how soon i will always reply as sometimes i’m really busy, but i’ll try my best :)